It is estimated that over 900,000 children are abused annually in the U.S. (U.S. Dept. of Heath & Human Services, 2008). The abuse comes in many forms, whether it be physical, emotional, or neglect. These abuses can have both immediate and long-term effects for those being abused. Immediate effects of abuse include physical injury, kids acting out in school through fighting, acting inappropriately with other students, being abrasive with adults, and having an overall negative attitude about school. These immediate effects, in turn, lead to long-term effects that include teen smoking, drug and alcohol use, violence, and increased high school drop out rates (Kelley, Thornberry, & Smith, 1997). In addition to these overt effects, more psychological outcomes of abuse include depression, dissociative disorders, and even suicide attempts (Silverman, Reinherz, & Giaconia, 1996). Without intervention, these things can lead to a chain of violent and destructive behavior that is passed through generations that is very difficult to stop. As the old saying goes, "violence breeds violence."
In order to effectively stop the problem of child abuse in our country, we must first be able to identify the signs that a child is being abused. Physical abuse can evidence itself through minor injuries such as cuts and bruises, as well as more serious injuries, such as broken bones and hemorrhages. In addition to these physical signs, abuse can also show itself in a child's behavior, often times resulting in withdrawn, socially inappropriate, and in many cases, violent behavior. Children who are abused develop a view of adults as people to be feared or resented (more so than normal child resentment of adults). This leads to negative behaviors toward adults that can be signs that a child is being abused. The most common of these behaviors is withdrawal. Children will shut down, or go into their own world when approached by adults and refuse to communicate. Any physical contact is resisted with force and, often times, the child will become violent or abrasive with adults.
So how do we help fight the problem of child abuse in our country? Research shows that children who have been abused have a better chance of success in life when they develop "resilience," or the ability to cope or thrive following negative experiences. The biggest factors related to this resilience are self-esteem, intelligence, humor, creativity, and acceptance. These kids need to feel valued and that they are somebody worthy of a good life. And this is where we adults can come in. As adults, we have the opportunity to foster in these kids the kind of self-esteem, confidence, and knowledge that can help them cope with abuse at home. We can give them a place and support when they have nothing else. The easiest way to help in this way is to VOLUNTEER. Boys and Girls Clubs across the country have been serving as places for kids to go, have fun, and be accepted for many years. Volunteer at your local Boys and Girls Club to coach a team, teach a skill, or just help kids with their homework. If this isn't up your alley, volunteer at your child's school. School's are always looking for volunteers to help with reading, social skills, art, and basically anything you could bring to the table. Call your child's teacher or principal and ask how you can help. Many schools also offer after-school programs, which are great opportunities to make a difference in these kids' lives. The more positive experiences with adults these kids have, the stronger their resilience will become to the abuse they may be facing at home.
Finally, if you suspect that a child has been abused, report it. Don't even think twice about it. All it takes is one phone call to the Child Abuse Hotline (800) 678-9399 and they'll take it from there. This phone number is linked to the Utah Division of Child and Family Services as well as many other states' departments. In addition to the hotline, other resources include the following websites:
Child Abuse and Neglect http://www.childwelfare.gov/can/
Defining Child Abuse and Neglect http://www.childwelfare.gov/can/defining/
Preventing Child Abuse and Neglect http://www.childwelfare.gov/preventing/
Reporting Child Abuse and Neglect http://www.childwelfare.gov/responding/reporting.cfm
In closing, let me share a song that always comes to mind when I hear of a child being abused. The reason for this is a personal one for me. In my first year of teaching I suspected a child of being abused. She was a beautiful 10 year old girl with the sweetest spirit ever, but she was withdrawn and scared of adults. I discussed her situation with the school social worker and we had discovered that she was abused. Over the next year and a half we were able to work with her to put her in a nice foster home with a loving family, who I am still in contact with, and she is doing very well in her new situation. When she had left my class initially (to change grades, not schools), I had given the students a CD at the end of the year with songs that meant something to me. When I saw her the next year after summer she told me that she listened to the CD every night, and this was her favorite song.
This one's for you beautiful.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Life's one constant is time...or is it?
On this blog, I discuss openly my experiences as someone living with manic-depressive disorder. Initially, I related my experiences when I first had a manic episode last January, and later brought in some videos explaining some of what one experiences when in a manic state (Bipolar or Spiritual?). One thing discussed in those videos is timelessness, or the perception someone in a manic state might have that they are altering time. What is meant by this is that time seems to "slow down" and they can get a lot more done in a shorter amount of time. Athletes talk about this phenomenon as well, whether it be a quarterback referring to the slowing of a game and being able to read the defense, or a baseball player being able to slow down a 95 MPH fast ball and crush it out of the park.
Below is an article I found on the topic titled, "Thinking Faster by Altering Your Perception of Time." The article comes from the blog "Sentient Developments," which does an excellent job of linking scientific developments to positive lifestyle outcomes. In the article, author George Dvorsky looks at the concept of one's mind speeding up during times of stress or pressure, which alters that person's perception of time. While this is most commonly experienced during times of emergency (car accident, being held at gun point, etc) it is also common in sports, according to Dvorsky.
While the article doesn't mention this phenomenon in the context of bipolar mania, I think it is safe to make the connection to the rapid cycling of a manic person's mind. When one's mind is going at that rate, it only stands to reason that they would have an altered perception of time, and this is something to which I can personally attest. I remember blinking and almost thinking the clock had gone backwards. Regardless of my experiences, it is a very interesting read, and one that sheds a little light on altered perceptions of time. Enjoy!
People who undergo extreme short-term psychological stress often claim that time slowed down for them during the experience. Traumatic events like car accidents or lengthy falls often appear in slow motion to the person experiencing it.
Is this just a recall error? Or are people literally experiencing these events at an altered subjective time rate? If so, how could such a psychological phenomenon be accounted for? Obviously, time is not really slowing down -- but something is happening to the psychological interpretation of time.
One possible answer is to compare the human brain's "clockspeed" to that of a computer's. Some scientists now suspect that slowed time elapsement is an evolved defence mechanism similar to our fight-or-flight response. When time appears to have slowed down, we have more subjective time in which to deal with a crisis situation. Put another way, extreme stress helps us to think faster.
One scientist looking into this phenomenon is David Eagleman from the University of Texas at Houston. At his 'Laboratory for Perception and Action' Eagleman is attempting to understand the neural mechanisms of time perception. His team combines psychophysical, behavioural, and computational approaches to address the relationship between the timing of perception and the timing of neural signals.
At the experimental level, Eagleman is engaged in exploring temporal encoding, time warping, manipulations of the perception of causality, and time perception in high-adrenaline situations. Ultimately, he hopes to use this data to explore how neural signals processed by different brain regions come together for a temporally unified picture of the world.
In one of his experiments, Eagleman had volunteers perform a backwards bungee jump freefall while he transmitted a rapid succession of numbers to an LED on their wrists. He found that during the fall they were successfully able to read the numbers, which under normal conditions would have appeared too fast. [I have to say, that is one of the most interesting and original experiments I've heard of in quite time some]
Thinking about Eagleman's research at a practical level, it is thought that a better understanding of these mechanisms will result in interventions that will help people process information at higher rates. This kind of 'think faster' augmentation would slow time down in a subjective sense, which would enable an individual to operate at a higher level of cognitive efficiency.
This theme has been explored in a number of science fiction stories. In Frank Herbert's Chapterhouse: Dune, the ghola Miles Teg was able to engage in extremely fast physical combat due to his ability to rapidly process information. Teg was able to subjectively experience time in extreme slow motion. Similarly, Neo in The Matrix was able to dodge bullets by altering his perception of time elapsement. And in Greg Egan's Diaspora, uploaded posthumans had to drastically slow down their internal clockspeeds when conversing with biological humans; clockspeeds in the real world varied dramatically from the clockspeed utilized in supercomputer 'polises.' Also in Diaspora, a group of posthumans altered their perception of time to such a slow rate that they could perceive the rising and fallings of geological structures such as mountains.
Here in the real world, such neural enhancements are rare, but not entirely impossible. It is thought, for example, that hockey ultrastar Wayne Gretzky was able to perceive the flow of the game at a slower pace than his competitors, giving him more subjective time to plan his attack. This may in fact be the case. At the height of his career, Gretzky was not just a 'little better' than other players, he was dominating to a degree never before seen in sport, breaking records by extreme margins. And this from a player who was physically unremarkable--in fact, below average.
Just what kinds of interventions could enable humans to 'warp time' is a topic of some speculation. A recent Discover article titled "The Mind in Overdrive" offers some possible solutions. Psychotropic substances are one possible answer, as drugs like cocaine and amphetamines have been known to alter subjective time for users. Also, meditating Buddhist monks claim to be able to perceive time differently; through their mental discipline, they may be recreating the same effect that Eagleman is documenting.
I'm certainly hoping that something like this will eventually become accessible. It will be interesting to see how much more productive and "aware" one might be with the benefit of these sorts of interventions. It may even create an alternative sense of subjective reality.
And it would surely come in handy the next time you need to dodge bullets.
Below is an article I found on the topic titled, "Thinking Faster by Altering Your Perception of Time." The article comes from the blog "Sentient Developments," which does an excellent job of linking scientific developments to positive lifestyle outcomes. In the article, author George Dvorsky looks at the concept of one's mind speeding up during times of stress or pressure, which alters that person's perception of time. While this is most commonly experienced during times of emergency (car accident, being held at gun point, etc) it is also common in sports, according to Dvorsky.
While the article doesn't mention this phenomenon in the context of bipolar mania, I think it is safe to make the connection to the rapid cycling of a manic person's mind. When one's mind is going at that rate, it only stands to reason that they would have an altered perception of time, and this is something to which I can personally attest. I remember blinking and almost thinking the clock had gone backwards. Regardless of my experiences, it is a very interesting read, and one that sheds a little light on altered perceptions of time. Enjoy!
April 3, 2006
Thinking faster by altering your perception of time
People who undergo extreme short-term psychological stress often claim that time slowed down for them during the experience. Traumatic events like car accidents or lengthy falls often appear in slow motion to the person experiencing it.Is this just a recall error? Or are people literally experiencing these events at an altered subjective time rate? If so, how could such a psychological phenomenon be accounted for? Obviously, time is not really slowing down -- but something is happening to the psychological interpretation of time.
One possible answer is to compare the human brain's "clockspeed" to that of a computer's. Some scientists now suspect that slowed time elapsement is an evolved defence mechanism similar to our fight-or-flight response. When time appears to have slowed down, we have more subjective time in which to deal with a crisis situation. Put another way, extreme stress helps us to think faster.
One scientist looking into this phenomenon is David Eagleman from the University of Texas at Houston. At his 'Laboratory for Perception and Action' Eagleman is attempting to understand the neural mechanisms of time perception. His team combines psychophysical, behavioural, and computational approaches to address the relationship between the timing of perception and the timing of neural signals.
At the experimental level, Eagleman is engaged in exploring temporal encoding, time warping, manipulations of the perception of causality, and time perception in high-adrenaline situations. Ultimately, he hopes to use this data to explore how neural signals processed by different brain regions come together for a temporally unified picture of the world.
In one of his experiments, Eagleman had volunteers perform a backwards bungee jump freefall while he transmitted a rapid succession of numbers to an LED on their wrists. He found that during the fall they were successfully able to read the numbers, which under normal conditions would have appeared too fast. [I have to say, that is one of the most interesting and original experiments I've heard of in quite time some]
Thinking about Eagleman's research at a practical level, it is thought that a better understanding of these mechanisms will result in interventions that will help people process information at higher rates. This kind of 'think faster' augmentation would slow time down in a subjective sense, which would enable an individual to operate at a higher level of cognitive efficiency.
This theme has been explored in a number of science fiction stories. In Frank Herbert's Chapterhouse: Dune, the ghola Miles Teg was able to engage in extremely fast physical combat due to his ability to rapidly process information. Teg was able to subjectively experience time in extreme slow motion. Similarly, Neo in The Matrix was able to dodge bullets by altering his perception of time elapsement. And in Greg Egan's Diaspora, uploaded posthumans had to drastically slow down their internal clockspeeds when conversing with biological humans; clockspeeds in the real world varied dramatically from the clockspeed utilized in supercomputer 'polises.' Also in Diaspora, a group of posthumans altered their perception of time to such a slow rate that they could perceive the rising and fallings of geological structures such as mountains.
Here in the real world, such neural enhancements are rare, but not entirely impossible. It is thought, for example, that hockey ultrastar Wayne Gretzky was able to perceive the flow of the game at a slower pace than his competitors, giving him more subjective time to plan his attack. This may in fact be the case. At the height of his career, Gretzky was not just a 'little better' than other players, he was dominating to a degree never before seen in sport, breaking records by extreme margins. And this from a player who was physically unremarkable--in fact, below average.
Just what kinds of interventions could enable humans to 'warp time' is a topic of some speculation. A recent Discover article titled "The Mind in Overdrive" offers some possible solutions. Psychotropic substances are one possible answer, as drugs like cocaine and amphetamines have been known to alter subjective time for users. Also, meditating Buddhist monks claim to be able to perceive time differently; through their mental discipline, they may be recreating the same effect that Eagleman is documenting.
I'm certainly hoping that something like this will eventually become accessible. It will be interesting to see how much more productive and "aware" one might be with the benefit of these sorts of interventions. It may even create an alternative sense of subjective reality.
And it would surely come in handy the next time you need to dodge bullets.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I Really Should Let the Professionals Do the Talking
If you actually read this blog regularly, you may remember my blog on 22 Aug 2010 titled "Hey! Wha' Happened?" While I did my best to make my point, author and poet Andrei Codrescu puts things much more eloquently in his commentary "Conquering A Fear of Robots."
Go ahead and give it a listen!
Go ahead and give it a listen!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Atheist but Spiritual
Is it possible for someone to believe in spirituality but not believe in God? Can someone be open to the possibility that there is more to this world than what we can see yet not come to the conclusion that there is an all-powerful being in charge of it all? I would like to offer a worldview that includes spirituality but doesn't include an omnipotent being. Before I get into this, I should add a disclaimer that these views are from one man (me), so I'm very aware that many of you won't agree with me.
Let me get started by discussing what I believe to be the two "selves" that each of us are born with. First, there is our worldly self. This person is influenced by the forces that surround us and what we are told is right and wrong. Anyone with even a casual knowledge of behavioral studies is familiar with the "nature vs. nurture" debate. Well, this self would fall under the "nurture" category in that it is shaped more by its environment than any internal factors. The second self is our more natural self and the one that follows instincts and does as it feels. This, naturally, would fall into the category of "nature." When looking at these two selves, they paint a picture of the average person, but also set up a struggle for one's true self. And interestingly enough, both sides of a person act both together, and against each other, to shape who we perceive ourselves to be.
When people ask themselves the question of "who am I?" as is natural to do, there are forces both externally and from within that inform this question. First, the external forces come in to shape our view of ourselves. More often than not, this includes parents taking us to church and telling us about an all-powerful God who created us, created a world for us, and wants us to serve him to return to him. This is nourished through church, bible (or other religious text) study, constant references to God and religion in the media, and of course, prayer. From a very early age kids are taught to pray to a god for guidance and obey his every word in hopes that we will please him and return to him some day
In addition to this, there are our internal selves that are constantly asking the question of "who is the real me?" This version of ourselves is constantly at odds with the side that's constantly being told what to think. Our internal selves dare to ask the questions that directly go against what they're taught. "What if there isn't a God. Then what? What comes after this life if there is no afterlife? Is this it?
For this blog, I would like to focus on these two selves as separate entities, one being mortal and ending in this world, and the other being immortal and everlasting. It should be pretty obvious by now that I am referring to our worldly selves as mortal and our internal selves as never ending. I'd like to note here that I am not the first person to think of ourselves in these terms. Most religions will refer to this internal self as the "soul" or "spirit" and I, too, am comfortable using these terms. A person's spirit is his/her natural self that exists before we get to earth and stays living after their physical death. It is the part of us that feels things on a deep and emotional level and that allows us to be our most creative, loving, and honest. C.S. Lewis described this side of humans, saying, "There are no ordinary people. Remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship. No one ever talks to a mere mortal...it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit-immortal horrors or everlasting splendors...your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses."
In viewing people as these everlasting beautiful beings, it seems reasonable to allow that these beings offer guidance after they have left the physical world. And this is where I believe guidance from above truly comes from. It is my belief that we, as people, are guided not by an all-powerful god, but rather by host of spirits who have passed through this world and now offer guidance where we choose to find it. Personally, I find this in the beauty and art that is everywhere in this world. I find it in the truly inspired work of great artists and musicians, in everyone who's ever created something new or performed past their normal expectations. This, to me, is the true guiding force in this universe and I love the view that we are all amazing, immortal beings that we "would be strongly tempted to worship." How much better is this worldview than saying we can't accept someone who doesn't believe the way we do.
In closing, I would just like to say that acceptance is the key in making this world one for everybody. I don't expect everyone to agree with this blog just like I don't agree with organized religion. However, I do believe that we're all amazing beings capable of amazing things and to close out any faction of our people simply because of the way they feel is a tragic disservice to the amazing people in this world.
Let me get started by discussing what I believe to be the two "selves" that each of us are born with. First, there is our worldly self. This person is influenced by the forces that surround us and what we are told is right and wrong. Anyone with even a casual knowledge of behavioral studies is familiar with the "nature vs. nurture" debate. Well, this self would fall under the "nurture" category in that it is shaped more by its environment than any internal factors. The second self is our more natural self and the one that follows instincts and does as it feels. This, naturally, would fall into the category of "nature." When looking at these two selves, they paint a picture of the average person, but also set up a struggle for one's true self. And interestingly enough, both sides of a person act both together, and against each other, to shape who we perceive ourselves to be.
When people ask themselves the question of "who am I?" as is natural to do, there are forces both externally and from within that inform this question. First, the external forces come in to shape our view of ourselves. More often than not, this includes parents taking us to church and telling us about an all-powerful God who created us, created a world for us, and wants us to serve him to return to him. This is nourished through church, bible (or other religious text) study, constant references to God and religion in the media, and of course, prayer. From a very early age kids are taught to pray to a god for guidance and obey his every word in hopes that we will please him and return to him some day
In addition to this, there are our internal selves that are constantly asking the question of "who is the real me?" This version of ourselves is constantly at odds with the side that's constantly being told what to think. Our internal selves dare to ask the questions that directly go against what they're taught. "What if there isn't a God. Then what? What comes after this life if there is no afterlife? Is this it?
For this blog, I would like to focus on these two selves as separate entities, one being mortal and ending in this world, and the other being immortal and everlasting. It should be pretty obvious by now that I am referring to our worldly selves as mortal and our internal selves as never ending. I'd like to note here that I am not the first person to think of ourselves in these terms. Most religions will refer to this internal self as the "soul" or "spirit" and I, too, am comfortable using these terms. A person's spirit is his/her natural self that exists before we get to earth and stays living after their physical death. It is the part of us that feels things on a deep and emotional level and that allows us to be our most creative, loving, and honest. C.S. Lewis described this side of humans, saying, "There are no ordinary people. Remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship. No one ever talks to a mere mortal...it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit-immortal horrors or everlasting splendors...your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses."
In viewing people as these everlasting beautiful beings, it seems reasonable to allow that these beings offer guidance after they have left the physical world. And this is where I believe guidance from above truly comes from. It is my belief that we, as people, are guided not by an all-powerful god, but rather by host of spirits who have passed through this world and now offer guidance where we choose to find it. Personally, I find this in the beauty and art that is everywhere in this world. I find it in the truly inspired work of great artists and musicians, in everyone who's ever created something new or performed past their normal expectations. This, to me, is the true guiding force in this universe and I love the view that we are all amazing, immortal beings that we "would be strongly tempted to worship." How much better is this worldview than saying we can't accept someone who doesn't believe the way we do.
In closing, I would just like to say that acceptance is the key in making this world one for everybody. I don't expect everyone to agree with this blog just like I don't agree with organized religion. However, I do believe that we're all amazing beings capable of amazing things and to close out any faction of our people simply because of the way they feel is a tragic disservice to the amazing people in this world.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Hey! Wha' Happened?
The phone rings. You wait to pick it up hoping someone else will, because the chances are it's not even for you. You wait...silence. Yes! But wait. You want to talk to your friend. You heard a really funny story and want to share it with them. Only problem is the person calling is your sister's boyfriend and she'll have the phone tied up for hours. What to do? Damn it, you'll have to walk down the street to your friend's house, hope he's home, and do a pop-in, which will inevitably lead to the two of you hanging out for awhile.
This is a scene you would never experience in the age of cell phones and the internet. A phone actually ringing (and an actual phone, too, with an actual ring), the recipient of the call answering even though they don't know who's calling or who the intended recipient is, and a young person being forced to actually...wait for it...LEAVE the house to see a friend. And yet, while this was the norm in my house as well as countless others in the late 80s/early 90s, the age of cell phones and the internet has made social contact all but a thing of the past.
Now, I'm not saying that we have completely abandoned interactions with each other in favor of the isolation of a computer and a handheld device. Obviously people are still reproducing, which as far as I know, still requires actual contact with a human being. But technology has made several of the reasons for interacting with one another obsolete. For example, in addition to reducing the necessity to visit our friends to talk, cell phones through text messaging, have even made talking on the phone a relative relic. If you have something quick to say to someone that doesn't require an actual conversation, you just send them a text and hope for a reply.
The internet has also played a large part in this change. In the past, in order to stay current on all the latest news, happenings of friends, shopping trends, etc, you would need to either talk to a friend or watch the news. In addition to this, if you were in school or working and had a project that required research, you would either have to go to the library to do research or collaborate with others who have access to the files that you need. Now all one has to do is go on the internet, type something into a search engine, and they have access to more information than was imaginable, even as recently as 20 years ago.
It is important to understand that technology, while making people generally more isolated as a whole, has also expanded our socializing in many ways. Through social networking sites and email it is getting easier and easier to keep in touch with people, regardless of their location in the world. Photo and video sharing are effortless, which helps people connect in other ways. Through dating sites people are able to meet interesting people and even filter those who they meet based on selected criteria. All of these things act as a double-edged sword, both expanding and contracting our world in its scope and its effectiveness.
While I do see these tools as being positive, I still lament the days of walking to a buddy's house, running around outside all day and hearing, "Danny, come home for dinner!" when it was that time. I miss hearing the phone ring and hoping it was the girl I liked, hearing news through word of mouth rather than through CNN Breaking News alerts. And call me old fashioned if you must, but I prefer meeting someone by chance out in the world than meeting online based on pre-screened criteria. Maybe with a little effort we can have all of these things while still enjoying the conveniences of modern technology.
To close, please enjoy this video depicting how we used to receive news.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
A Beautiful Deception
"There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somehow, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality."
-Kay Redfield-Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
-Kay Redfield-Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
Monday, March 15, 2010
Running is my drug
And now I live in a world that I call my own
It's always nice when no one's home
It's another world but it's something more than ordinary
Such a lovely day and it's nothing more than ordinary livin'
Let's get Lit!
It's always nice when no one's home
It's another world but it's something more than ordinary
Such a lovely day and it's nothing more than ordinary livin'
Let's get Lit!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
You have made me smile again. In fact, I might be sore from it; it's been awhile.
Seven weeks to be exact. It's been seven weeks since I first went off the deep end and had to be hauled away in an ambulance to the ER. And now today, seven weeks to the day after I thought everything and everyone was talking directly to and about me, I made my return to the classroom, both humbled and overwhelmed by the amount of support and love that exists in my life.
It's interesting. When I had my first manic episode, I was convinced that I had some great purpose on this planet and everyone was trying to tell me what they needed. Not once did I resent this and, instead, felt inferior in my efforts to assist. When I was first taken to the hospital and, subsequently, to the inpatient unit in Utah County, I felt as though every one of my rights were being violated by people who couldn't possibly have known my mind as I know it myself. They couldn't have my best interest at heart because no one but me knew what my best interest was. And finally, when I was put on paid administrative leave because I still couldn't control that machine that is my mind, I felt as though my livelihood were taken away from me and it was my job to figure out where it went.
And it was in this journey that I learned more about my world than I ever could have imagined. The greatest lesson I learned is that it is you-my friends, my family, my students, my doctors-you who know me best. You who had the perspective to look at me, who was resisting all efforts to help, and let me know that I was anything but myself, and got me the help I needed. It's funny, while I was away from work I felt as though my life had no worth. My time was spent cleaning, sleeping, and talking with those who would listen. And it was through these interactions that I found the true value in my life; you. All of you.
Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for bringing me to where I am today. Today I was able, for the first time in almost a month, to look at my 60 students and let them know that they had their teacher back. And after a day of teaching, I was able to go for a run through the streets that I have grown to love and know that I am the same person who's run these streets for years. Today I was Mr. Hilder, I was Danny, I was D-Train (thanks Rob Dawg), I was son (thanks Dad), and I was Dad (thanks Bella). I was able to be all the people I've known I can be, but doubted I could be again, and I owe it all to you. Thank you for showing me that the battle with myself is not one to be won, but to be embraced through the help of others.
It's interesting. When I had my first manic episode, I was convinced that I had some great purpose on this planet and everyone was trying to tell me what they needed. Not once did I resent this and, instead, felt inferior in my efforts to assist. When I was first taken to the hospital and, subsequently, to the inpatient unit in Utah County, I felt as though every one of my rights were being violated by people who couldn't possibly have known my mind as I know it myself. They couldn't have my best interest at heart because no one but me knew what my best interest was. And finally, when I was put on paid administrative leave because I still couldn't control that machine that is my mind, I felt as though my livelihood were taken away from me and it was my job to figure out where it went.
And it was in this journey that I learned more about my world than I ever could have imagined. The greatest lesson I learned is that it is you-my friends, my family, my students, my doctors-you who know me best. You who had the perspective to look at me, who was resisting all efforts to help, and let me know that I was anything but myself, and got me the help I needed. It's funny, while I was away from work I felt as though my life had no worth. My time was spent cleaning, sleeping, and talking with those who would listen. And it was through these interactions that I found the true value in my life; you. All of you.
Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for bringing me to where I am today. Today I was able, for the first time in almost a month, to look at my 60 students and let them know that they had their teacher back. And after a day of teaching, I was able to go for a run through the streets that I have grown to love and know that I am the same person who's run these streets for years. Today I was Mr. Hilder, I was Danny, I was D-Train (thanks Rob Dawg), I was son (thanks Dad), and I was Dad (thanks Bella). I was able to be all the people I've known I can be, but doubted I could be again, and I owe it all to you. Thank you for showing me that the battle with myself is not one to be won, but to be embraced through the help of others.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Last Day. What a Beautiful Ride
First night in the hospital was Wednesday, 5 January. Got released back to work on Wednesday, 20 January. Got put on leave Tuesday, 2 February, and now on Wednesday, 24 February, I find myself on the last day of my unplanned break. I've worked 13 days out of the last 35 and that will do a lot to a person. For me, it has caused me to look at my life outside of work and place value on things where I normally wouldn't have placed any. Mainly on the importance on collaboration and utilizing the people in your life. This has been such a difficult time, but I have made it through on account of all of the amazing people in my life. Family, friends, strangers on the street (and at the Energy Solutions Arena), doctors, fellow teachers, I have been blown away by the amount of support I've had. As someone who has never really placed much value on the necessity of friends, this has been a truly humbling experience.
The video I'd like to share speaks just to this. It's from Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story and it's called "Beautiful Ride." Sure, the movie's pure satire, but this song pretty much hits it on the head:
The video I'd like to share speaks just to this. It's from Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story and it's called "Beautiful Ride." Sure, the movie's pure satire, but this song pretty much hits it on the head:
Monday, February 22, 2010
Can I Graduate? A Personal Confession
My life is shaped by music in more ways than is probably healthy, so I'm going to let the music frame my current state as a person. The backdrop is Vivaldi's Four Seasons combined with Howard Shore's Twilight and Shadow, from The Lord of the Rings. This puts me in a subdued yet hopeful state. In comes Third Eye Blind with Can I Graduate? "Can I look in faces that I meet? Can I get my punk ass off the street that I've been living on for so long? Can I graduate? To the bastard talking down to me, your whipping boy calamity, cross your fingers I'm going to knock it all down. Can I graduate?" The answer comes from the same band and I realize that the Third Eye really is Blind. And this is because it belongs to another. And I wonder to myself, who do I need to finally break free of this spell and see what I can't see alone?
Enter Stars with Reunion and I'm taken to a place I know too well. The beautiful friend who was once more, but broke your heart. Do I try for the familiar light or am I looking too far? One thing's clear, I can't do this alone. Is it love I'm after? To help frame this question, I turn to my boy, Dane Cook, and his analysis of love. "When you're not in love, everybody you know falls in love...it's like there's a party going on and everyone was invited except for you, and you just happen to be walking by this house in the rain. But then once you're in love, it's like being in the party going, 'where's my jacket? I wanna get out of here, where's my jacket? I've been at this party for six years and I want to see other parties!'" Yeah, I did that party for 8 years and I don't think I need that again. But I'm not going to lie, I'm craving more in my life. To use Third Eye Blind again, "I've never been so alone. And I've never been so alive."
This is the view on a motorcycle drive-by and I'll leave you with this.
Enter Stars with Reunion and I'm taken to a place I know too well. The beautiful friend who was once more, but broke your heart. Do I try for the familiar light or am I looking too far? One thing's clear, I can't do this alone. Is it love I'm after? To help frame this question, I turn to my boy, Dane Cook, and his analysis of love. "When you're not in love, everybody you know falls in love...it's like there's a party going on and everyone was invited except for you, and you just happen to be walking by this house in the rain. But then once you're in love, it's like being in the party going, 'where's my jacket? I wanna get out of here, where's my jacket? I've been at this party for six years and I want to see other parties!'" Yeah, I did that party for 8 years and I don't think I need that again. But I'm not going to lie, I'm craving more in my life. To use Third Eye Blind again, "I've never been so alone. And I've never been so alive."
This is the view on a motorcycle drive-by and I'll leave you with this.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
How do we do this?
Tonight I had the extreme pleasure of attending a political forum hosted by Salt Lake Acting Company. The panel consisted of former Salt Lake City Mayor Rocky Anderson, famous gas and oil plot bidder Tim DeChristopher, Dr. Rebecca Hall, economic justice coordinator for the Utah Domestic Violence Council, and Marshall Thompson, former army journalist in Iraq (2006) and recipient of the Gandhi Peace Award from the Gandhi Alliance for Peace. The topic of the forum was "At what point does civil disobedience dip into terrorism? At what point does rule of law turn into tyranny?"
In addressing these topics, the panel touched on some things that I would like to bring into the discussion on this blog. Namely, what can we do, as citizens, to make the change that most of us agree needs to happen? Some of the suggestions were to organize and bring to the forefront the issues that are facing our current political structure, such as climate change, and corporate influence in political campaigning. References were made to activists of the past, such as Martin Luther King, Jr, Gandhi, and even Thoreau. Their methods of civil disobedience were discussed as well as those of current activists, including Marshall Thompson who led a peaceful march across Utah, and Tim DeChristopher, who bid on oil plots without any intention of actually purchasing them. Other attention was given to right wing activists, such as Utah Activist Gail Ruzicka. Interestingly enough, such methods were referenced as effective, which begs the question of those of us on the other side, why aren't we resolved to using such tactics?
And this is where I, personally, found a stumbling block. Why have those of us who believe so strongly in human rights, including the right of everyone to marry, the right of all of us to have climate change initiatives, and the right of all of us to health care; why do we so often feel that our voices aren't heard? And, more importantly, how are we going to get our voices heard?
In attempting to answer this question, the stumbling point seems all too often to fall on money, or lack thereof on our side. I hate to use such polarizing verbiage as "our side" but when one really looks at the political climate in our country, it becomes almost impossible to escape this "Us versus Them" mentality. In looking at such initiatives as a public health care option, the right for all people, regardless of sexual orientation, to marry, and the rights of corporations to drill for oil, they all seem to be thwarted by the same "them"; big business and corporations. And where do these companies tend to have their interests? In the right wing of politics.
This, my friends, is where I see our biggest challenge, as well as our biggest opportunity. The challenge, of course, is in our lack of monetary resources. No one is going to claim that those of us campaigning for human rights have the funding of those against it. And with the Supreme Courts recent ruling in the Citizens United case, big business has more power than ever. But what they don't have is the grass roots activism that has inspired change in our country since its formation over 200 years ago.
A point was made during the forum that real grass roots activism hasn't been seen in our country since the late 60s/early 70s. I can't find an argument against this, but I can find hope in the countless citizens I see trying to make a difference in the social climate in which we find ourselves. The question remains, how are we going to unify the concerned citizens of this country and make a push for real social change? The panel talked about the challenge of civil disobedience with respect to the law. I write this blog not to answer that question, but rather to offer an opinion on the best way to go about grass roots activism. And my answer...EDUCATION.
I can honestly think of no better way to combat the forces of big business and its political pull than to educate ourselves on the issues facing our country. I have no doubt that those of us in the apparent minority are more educated and knowledgeable in the issues facing this country, and the world, than those who are currently in control. Where they have an advantage in money, they lack greatly in knowledge. This is in no greater prominence than in the debate over climate change. Despite irrefutable evidence of climate change, there is still a disturbingly high number of Americans, and politicians in particular, who believe there is no such thing as climate change. And this at the expense of, not only our generation, but future generations.
Personally, I have made the determination to educate myself on the issues and position myself to make the most difference I can. This is of particular difficulty as I am a poor school teacher, and I would imagine that others in similar positions find this challenging. But, like I've said, we can combat the enemy of money in education. I write this blog, not as a soap box for my own beliefs, but rather as an open discussion for what we need to see in change in our country. Right wing, left wing, neither, I believe we all agree that change is needed in our country and our world. And there is no greater force than the citizens of this great country. The power only lies in the politicians that WE elect. We can't forget this when determining who has the real power. Again, the politicians are only as strong as the people who elect them. And it is my belief and opinion, albeit humble, that we have the power to enact real change and create a better today for us, and a better tomorrow for our children.
Thanks for listening.
In addressing these topics, the panel touched on some things that I would like to bring into the discussion on this blog. Namely, what can we do, as citizens, to make the change that most of us agree needs to happen? Some of the suggestions were to organize and bring to the forefront the issues that are facing our current political structure, such as climate change, and corporate influence in political campaigning. References were made to activists of the past, such as Martin Luther King, Jr, Gandhi, and even Thoreau. Their methods of civil disobedience were discussed as well as those of current activists, including Marshall Thompson who led a peaceful march across Utah, and Tim DeChristopher, who bid on oil plots without any intention of actually purchasing them. Other attention was given to right wing activists, such as Utah Activist Gail Ruzicka. Interestingly enough, such methods were referenced as effective, which begs the question of those of us on the other side, why aren't we resolved to using such tactics?
And this is where I, personally, found a stumbling block. Why have those of us who believe so strongly in human rights, including the right of everyone to marry, the right of all of us to have climate change initiatives, and the right of all of us to health care; why do we so often feel that our voices aren't heard? And, more importantly, how are we going to get our voices heard?
In attempting to answer this question, the stumbling point seems all too often to fall on money, or lack thereof on our side. I hate to use such polarizing verbiage as "our side" but when one really looks at the political climate in our country, it becomes almost impossible to escape this "Us versus Them" mentality. In looking at such initiatives as a public health care option, the right for all people, regardless of sexual orientation, to marry, and the rights of corporations to drill for oil, they all seem to be thwarted by the same "them"; big business and corporations. And where do these companies tend to have their interests? In the right wing of politics.
This, my friends, is where I see our biggest challenge, as well as our biggest opportunity. The challenge, of course, is in our lack of monetary resources. No one is going to claim that those of us campaigning for human rights have the funding of those against it. And with the Supreme Courts recent ruling in the Citizens United case, big business has more power than ever. But what they don't have is the grass roots activism that has inspired change in our country since its formation over 200 years ago.
A point was made during the forum that real grass roots activism hasn't been seen in our country since the late 60s/early 70s. I can't find an argument against this, but I can find hope in the countless citizens I see trying to make a difference in the social climate in which we find ourselves. The question remains, how are we going to unify the concerned citizens of this country and make a push for real social change? The panel talked about the challenge of civil disobedience with respect to the law. I write this blog not to answer that question, but rather to offer an opinion on the best way to go about grass roots activism. And my answer...EDUCATION.
I can honestly think of no better way to combat the forces of big business and its political pull than to educate ourselves on the issues facing our country. I have no doubt that those of us in the apparent minority are more educated and knowledgeable in the issues facing this country, and the world, than those who are currently in control. Where they have an advantage in money, they lack greatly in knowledge. This is in no greater prominence than in the debate over climate change. Despite irrefutable evidence of climate change, there is still a disturbingly high number of Americans, and politicians in particular, who believe there is no such thing as climate change. And this at the expense of, not only our generation, but future generations.
Personally, I have made the determination to educate myself on the issues and position myself to make the most difference I can. This is of particular difficulty as I am a poor school teacher, and I would imagine that others in similar positions find this challenging. But, like I've said, we can combat the enemy of money in education. I write this blog, not as a soap box for my own beliefs, but rather as an open discussion for what we need to see in change in our country. Right wing, left wing, neither, I believe we all agree that change is needed in our country and our world. And there is no greater force than the citizens of this great country. The power only lies in the politicians that WE elect. We can't forget this when determining who has the real power. Again, the politicians are only as strong as the people who elect them. And it is my belief and opinion, albeit humble, that we have the power to enact real change and create a better today for us, and a better tomorrow for our children.
Thanks for listening.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
My my my, it's a beautiful world
A lot of you know, and the rest of you are about to, that I have been going through a very rough time. I've recently been diagnosed bipolar with hints of manic depressive disorder. This has caused me to be on leave from teaching for an entire month. During this time I have had nothing to do but look at myself, my life, the people in my life, and try to get things back where they should be. This has been the hardest journey I've ever been on and it has also been the most beautiful pain I've ever felt. I've been able to experience things that I've done hundreds of times and look at them with new eyes.
In this process I have come to no other conclusion than I am a blessed person to have the life I do. I am surrounded by so much beauty and I have the perspective of someone who has felt the darker side of what this world has to offer as well. This contrast has provided me with the lenses to see just how lucky I am to live the life I do.
I would like to share this video by Colin Hay. You may remember him from the Australian band "Men at Work" and their one-hit wonder "Land Down Under." Well, he ended up launching a solo career and he has written some beautiful music. This one is called "Beautiful World" and it sums up how I've been feeling lately. Enjoy.
In this process I have come to no other conclusion than I am a blessed person to have the life I do. I am surrounded by so much beauty and I have the perspective of someone who has felt the darker side of what this world has to offer as well. This contrast has provided me with the lenses to see just how lucky I am to live the life I do.
I would like to share this video by Colin Hay. You may remember him from the Australian band "Men at Work" and their one-hit wonder "Land Down Under." Well, he ended up launching a solo career and he has written some beautiful music. This one is called "Beautiful World" and it sums up how I've been feeling lately. Enjoy.
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