Seven weeks to be exact. It's been seven weeks since I first went off the deep end and had to be hauled away in an ambulance to the ER. And now today, seven weeks to the day after I thought everything and everyone was talking directly to and about me, I made my return to the classroom, both humbled and overwhelmed by the amount of support and love that exists in my life.
It's interesting. When I had my first manic episode, I was convinced that I had some great purpose on this planet and everyone was trying to tell me what they needed. Not once did I resent this and, instead, felt inferior in my efforts to assist. When I was first taken to the hospital and, subsequently, to the inpatient unit in Utah County, I felt as though every one of my rights were being violated by people who couldn't possibly have known my mind as I know it myself. They couldn't have my best interest at heart because no one but me knew what my best interest was. And finally, when I was put on paid administrative leave because I still couldn't control that machine that is my mind, I felt as though my livelihood were taken away from me and it was my job to figure out where it went.
And it was in this journey that I learned more about my world than I ever could have imagined. The greatest lesson I learned is that it is you-my friends, my family, my students, my doctors-you who know me best. You who had the perspective to look at me, who was resisting all efforts to help, and let me know that I was anything but myself, and got me the help I needed. It's funny, while I was away from work I felt as though my life had no worth. My time was spent cleaning, sleeping, and talking with those who would listen. And it was through these interactions that I found the true value in my life; you. All of you.
Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for bringing me to where I am today. Today I was able, for the first time in almost a month, to look at my 60 students and let them know that they had their teacher back. And after a day of teaching, I was able to go for a run through the streets that I have grown to love and know that I am the same person who's run these streets for years. Today I was Mr. Hilder, I was Danny, I was D-Train (thanks Rob Dawg), I was son (thanks Dad), and I was Dad (thanks Bella). I was able to be all the people I've known I can be, but doubted I could be again, and I owe it all to you. Thank you for showing me that the battle with myself is not one to be won, but to be embraced through the help of others.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Last Day. What a Beautiful Ride
First night in the hospital was Wednesday, 5 January. Got released back to work on Wednesday, 20 January. Got put on leave Tuesday, 2 February, and now on Wednesday, 24 February, I find myself on the last day of my unplanned break. I've worked 13 days out of the last 35 and that will do a lot to a person. For me, it has caused me to look at my life outside of work and place value on things where I normally wouldn't have placed any. Mainly on the importance on collaboration and utilizing the people in your life. This has been such a difficult time, but I have made it through on account of all of the amazing people in my life. Family, friends, strangers on the street (and at the Energy Solutions Arena), doctors, fellow teachers, I have been blown away by the amount of support I've had. As someone who has never really placed much value on the necessity of friends, this has been a truly humbling experience.
The video I'd like to share speaks just to this. It's from Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story and it's called "Beautiful Ride." Sure, the movie's pure satire, but this song pretty much hits it on the head:
The video I'd like to share speaks just to this. It's from Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story and it's called "Beautiful Ride." Sure, the movie's pure satire, but this song pretty much hits it on the head:
Monday, February 22, 2010
Can I Graduate? A Personal Confession
My life is shaped by music in more ways than is probably healthy, so I'm going to let the music frame my current state as a person. The backdrop is Vivaldi's Four Seasons combined with Howard Shore's Twilight and Shadow, from The Lord of the Rings. This puts me in a subdued yet hopeful state. In comes Third Eye Blind with Can I Graduate? "Can I look in faces that I meet? Can I get my punk ass off the street that I've been living on for so long? Can I graduate? To the bastard talking down to me, your whipping boy calamity, cross your fingers I'm going to knock it all down. Can I graduate?" The answer comes from the same band and I realize that the Third Eye really is Blind. And this is because it belongs to another. And I wonder to myself, who do I need to finally break free of this spell and see what I can't see alone?
Enter Stars with Reunion and I'm taken to a place I know too well. The beautiful friend who was once more, but broke your heart. Do I try for the familiar light or am I looking too far? One thing's clear, I can't do this alone. Is it love I'm after? To help frame this question, I turn to my boy, Dane Cook, and his analysis of love. "When you're not in love, everybody you know falls in love...it's like there's a party going on and everyone was invited except for you, and you just happen to be walking by this house in the rain. But then once you're in love, it's like being in the party going, 'where's my jacket? I wanna get out of here, where's my jacket? I've been at this party for six years and I want to see other parties!'" Yeah, I did that party for 8 years and I don't think I need that again. But I'm not going to lie, I'm craving more in my life. To use Third Eye Blind again, "I've never been so alone. And I've never been so alive."
This is the view on a motorcycle drive-by and I'll leave you with this.
Enter Stars with Reunion and I'm taken to a place I know too well. The beautiful friend who was once more, but broke your heart. Do I try for the familiar light or am I looking too far? One thing's clear, I can't do this alone. Is it love I'm after? To help frame this question, I turn to my boy, Dane Cook, and his analysis of love. "When you're not in love, everybody you know falls in love...it's like there's a party going on and everyone was invited except for you, and you just happen to be walking by this house in the rain. But then once you're in love, it's like being in the party going, 'where's my jacket? I wanna get out of here, where's my jacket? I've been at this party for six years and I want to see other parties!'" Yeah, I did that party for 8 years and I don't think I need that again. But I'm not going to lie, I'm craving more in my life. To use Third Eye Blind again, "I've never been so alone. And I've never been so alive."
This is the view on a motorcycle drive-by and I'll leave you with this.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
How do we do this?
Tonight I had the extreme pleasure of attending a political forum hosted by Salt Lake Acting Company. The panel consisted of former Salt Lake City Mayor Rocky Anderson, famous gas and oil plot bidder Tim DeChristopher, Dr. Rebecca Hall, economic justice coordinator for the Utah Domestic Violence Council, and Marshall Thompson, former army journalist in Iraq (2006) and recipient of the Gandhi Peace Award from the Gandhi Alliance for Peace. The topic of the forum was "At what point does civil disobedience dip into terrorism? At what point does rule of law turn into tyranny?"
In addressing these topics, the panel touched on some things that I would like to bring into the discussion on this blog. Namely, what can we do, as citizens, to make the change that most of us agree needs to happen? Some of the suggestions were to organize and bring to the forefront the issues that are facing our current political structure, such as climate change, and corporate influence in political campaigning. References were made to activists of the past, such as Martin Luther King, Jr, Gandhi, and even Thoreau. Their methods of civil disobedience were discussed as well as those of current activists, including Marshall Thompson who led a peaceful march across Utah, and Tim DeChristopher, who bid on oil plots without any intention of actually purchasing them. Other attention was given to right wing activists, such as Utah Activist Gail Ruzicka. Interestingly enough, such methods were referenced as effective, which begs the question of those of us on the other side, why aren't we resolved to using such tactics?
And this is where I, personally, found a stumbling block. Why have those of us who believe so strongly in human rights, including the right of everyone to marry, the right of all of us to have climate change initiatives, and the right of all of us to health care; why do we so often feel that our voices aren't heard? And, more importantly, how are we going to get our voices heard?
In attempting to answer this question, the stumbling point seems all too often to fall on money, or lack thereof on our side. I hate to use such polarizing verbiage as "our side" but when one really looks at the political climate in our country, it becomes almost impossible to escape this "Us versus Them" mentality. In looking at such initiatives as a public health care option, the right for all people, regardless of sexual orientation, to marry, and the rights of corporations to drill for oil, they all seem to be thwarted by the same "them"; big business and corporations. And where do these companies tend to have their interests? In the right wing of politics.
This, my friends, is where I see our biggest challenge, as well as our biggest opportunity. The challenge, of course, is in our lack of monetary resources. No one is going to claim that those of us campaigning for human rights have the funding of those against it. And with the Supreme Courts recent ruling in the Citizens United case, big business has more power than ever. But what they don't have is the grass roots activism that has inspired change in our country since its formation over 200 years ago.
A point was made during the forum that real grass roots activism hasn't been seen in our country since the late 60s/early 70s. I can't find an argument against this, but I can find hope in the countless citizens I see trying to make a difference in the social climate in which we find ourselves. The question remains, how are we going to unify the concerned citizens of this country and make a push for real social change? The panel talked about the challenge of civil disobedience with respect to the law. I write this blog not to answer that question, but rather to offer an opinion on the best way to go about grass roots activism. And my answer...EDUCATION.
I can honestly think of no better way to combat the forces of big business and its political pull than to educate ourselves on the issues facing our country. I have no doubt that those of us in the apparent minority are more educated and knowledgeable in the issues facing this country, and the world, than those who are currently in control. Where they have an advantage in money, they lack greatly in knowledge. This is in no greater prominence than in the debate over climate change. Despite irrefutable evidence of climate change, there is still a disturbingly high number of Americans, and politicians in particular, who believe there is no such thing as climate change. And this at the expense of, not only our generation, but future generations.
Personally, I have made the determination to educate myself on the issues and position myself to make the most difference I can. This is of particular difficulty as I am a poor school teacher, and I would imagine that others in similar positions find this challenging. But, like I've said, we can combat the enemy of money in education. I write this blog, not as a soap box for my own beliefs, but rather as an open discussion for what we need to see in change in our country. Right wing, left wing, neither, I believe we all agree that change is needed in our country and our world. And there is no greater force than the citizens of this great country. The power only lies in the politicians that WE elect. We can't forget this when determining who has the real power. Again, the politicians are only as strong as the people who elect them. And it is my belief and opinion, albeit humble, that we have the power to enact real change and create a better today for us, and a better tomorrow for our children.
Thanks for listening.
In addressing these topics, the panel touched on some things that I would like to bring into the discussion on this blog. Namely, what can we do, as citizens, to make the change that most of us agree needs to happen? Some of the suggestions were to organize and bring to the forefront the issues that are facing our current political structure, such as climate change, and corporate influence in political campaigning. References were made to activists of the past, such as Martin Luther King, Jr, Gandhi, and even Thoreau. Their methods of civil disobedience were discussed as well as those of current activists, including Marshall Thompson who led a peaceful march across Utah, and Tim DeChristopher, who bid on oil plots without any intention of actually purchasing them. Other attention was given to right wing activists, such as Utah Activist Gail Ruzicka. Interestingly enough, such methods were referenced as effective, which begs the question of those of us on the other side, why aren't we resolved to using such tactics?
And this is where I, personally, found a stumbling block. Why have those of us who believe so strongly in human rights, including the right of everyone to marry, the right of all of us to have climate change initiatives, and the right of all of us to health care; why do we so often feel that our voices aren't heard? And, more importantly, how are we going to get our voices heard?
In attempting to answer this question, the stumbling point seems all too often to fall on money, or lack thereof on our side. I hate to use such polarizing verbiage as "our side" but when one really looks at the political climate in our country, it becomes almost impossible to escape this "Us versus Them" mentality. In looking at such initiatives as a public health care option, the right for all people, regardless of sexual orientation, to marry, and the rights of corporations to drill for oil, they all seem to be thwarted by the same "them"; big business and corporations. And where do these companies tend to have their interests? In the right wing of politics.
This, my friends, is where I see our biggest challenge, as well as our biggest opportunity. The challenge, of course, is in our lack of monetary resources. No one is going to claim that those of us campaigning for human rights have the funding of those against it. And with the Supreme Courts recent ruling in the Citizens United case, big business has more power than ever. But what they don't have is the grass roots activism that has inspired change in our country since its formation over 200 years ago.
A point was made during the forum that real grass roots activism hasn't been seen in our country since the late 60s/early 70s. I can't find an argument against this, but I can find hope in the countless citizens I see trying to make a difference in the social climate in which we find ourselves. The question remains, how are we going to unify the concerned citizens of this country and make a push for real social change? The panel talked about the challenge of civil disobedience with respect to the law. I write this blog not to answer that question, but rather to offer an opinion on the best way to go about grass roots activism. And my answer...EDUCATION.
I can honestly think of no better way to combat the forces of big business and its political pull than to educate ourselves on the issues facing our country. I have no doubt that those of us in the apparent minority are more educated and knowledgeable in the issues facing this country, and the world, than those who are currently in control. Where they have an advantage in money, they lack greatly in knowledge. This is in no greater prominence than in the debate over climate change. Despite irrefutable evidence of climate change, there is still a disturbingly high number of Americans, and politicians in particular, who believe there is no such thing as climate change. And this at the expense of, not only our generation, but future generations.
Personally, I have made the determination to educate myself on the issues and position myself to make the most difference I can. This is of particular difficulty as I am a poor school teacher, and I would imagine that others in similar positions find this challenging. But, like I've said, we can combat the enemy of money in education. I write this blog, not as a soap box for my own beliefs, but rather as an open discussion for what we need to see in change in our country. Right wing, left wing, neither, I believe we all agree that change is needed in our country and our world. And there is no greater force than the citizens of this great country. The power only lies in the politicians that WE elect. We can't forget this when determining who has the real power. Again, the politicians are only as strong as the people who elect them. And it is my belief and opinion, albeit humble, that we have the power to enact real change and create a better today for us, and a better tomorrow for our children.
Thanks for listening.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
My my my, it's a beautiful world
A lot of you know, and the rest of you are about to, that I have been going through a very rough time. I've recently been diagnosed bipolar with hints of manic depressive disorder. This has caused me to be on leave from teaching for an entire month. During this time I have had nothing to do but look at myself, my life, the people in my life, and try to get things back where they should be. This has been the hardest journey I've ever been on and it has also been the most beautiful pain I've ever felt. I've been able to experience things that I've done hundreds of times and look at them with new eyes.
In this process I have come to no other conclusion than I am a blessed person to have the life I do. I am surrounded by so much beauty and I have the perspective of someone who has felt the darker side of what this world has to offer as well. This contrast has provided me with the lenses to see just how lucky I am to live the life I do.
I would like to share this video by Colin Hay. You may remember him from the Australian band "Men at Work" and their one-hit wonder "Land Down Under." Well, he ended up launching a solo career and he has written some beautiful music. This one is called "Beautiful World" and it sums up how I've been feeling lately. Enjoy.
In this process I have come to no other conclusion than I am a blessed person to have the life I do. I am surrounded by so much beauty and I have the perspective of someone who has felt the darker side of what this world has to offer as well. This contrast has provided me with the lenses to see just how lucky I am to live the life I do.
I would like to share this video by Colin Hay. You may remember him from the Australian band "Men at Work" and their one-hit wonder "Land Down Under." Well, he ended up launching a solo career and he has written some beautiful music. This one is called "Beautiful World" and it sums up how I've been feeling lately. Enjoy.
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