I Can Tell that We are Going to be Friends, Whatever That Means

Think back for a minute to your first day of school. If you can't remember your very first day, at least try and think of the first day you remember. Think back to looking into a room, being introduced to your teacher, and seeing the faces of 25+ strangers. In that moment you were faced, possibly for the first time, with the challenge we all face of who will be our friends and who will not. Without even realizing it, you were about to make some decisions, that while maybe seeming insignificant, would impact your social structure and the way you viewed yourself in more profound ways than you would have ever thought. You were choosing the people who would shape you, help you, hurt you, and impact you in ways that would stick with you for the rest of your life. But, of course, none of this entered into your head at that time. How we view the people around us, and the potential for any relationship, is an ever-changing process, and one we certainly didn't take into account when we were five years old getting ready to sit on a rug. In this post, I'd like to discuss the factors that make someone a friend as opposed to an acquaintance or less. I've come to this topic through random discussions with friends and colleagues recently on the ever-changing nature of friends and relationships.

When one thinks back to the first time he/she was faced with the challenge of making friends, the factors that were important are very limited. Initially, we tend to look for people with obvious similar interests. Often times, at the earliest of ages, gender is the first filter . Boys tend to seek out other boys and girls are inclined to act similarly. Once we have narrowed our choices this way, we then look for similar interests, such as sports, comic books, video games, and other things. Once a similar interest has been established a friendship can blossom.

If this explanation of early childhood friendships seems a little simplistic to you, I'd have to agree with you. However, I feel an explanation lies in the needs one has for a friendship in these early years. In my years as a teacher I have been privileged enough to observe the friendships and interactions between my students and see what this entails. In its purest sense, friendship at this age consists of someone to walk around with and be a sounding board for your life. In talking with students and fellow teachers, the most consistent need expressed by students is that of companionship; someone to be with at recess and talk to during lunch.

As we progress through our school years, social pressures begin to grow and the element of acceptance enters into the picture. This is present both in the friendship itself, but also in the need to for the friendship to be accepted by one's peers. Once someone enters secondary education and high school, it's not enough to have friends; friends also have to be cool and make you look good to others. At this point the filters become more and often times our friends become ways for us to promote ourselves. Mutual interests will still bring people together, but social circles become increasingly important and who you know becomes as important as what you do. The needs of a friendship also change. While companionship is still important, friends at this stage really are needed for the growth of one another. Who else can challenge you to be better in all regards, but the person who spends the most time with you? In high school it is our friends who make us look good and who make activities possible. When done correctly, this can be a mutually beneficial relationship, the likes of which most of us are unlikely to see again. Never again will our friendships be such a mutually-sustaining collaboration.

The reason for this is, once we graduate high school and are in an adult world, we are expected to be able to sustain ourselves, at least at some level. No longer is it acceptable to rely solely on others for social interactions and growth. Many of us enter college at this point, and for others it is the workforce that is our new home. Friendships now become a matter of convenience, as our lives are ever more constricted, while the scope of our world becomes ever greater. The people with whom we interact the most are those at our jobs or our classrooms. We see these people for eight hours a day sometimes and we learn that they come from all walks of life. In early adulthood it is the first time for many of us that we've seen people who didn't grow up exactly how we did. Because of this we may be drawn to different people and find ourselves seeking out the new. Old friendships often dwindle during this period as we are exposed to so many new things. At this point most people have begun a process of "finding themselves," or at least discovering what truly interests them and it's not enough just to have grown up with someone. To be a friend you have to bring something more to the table, whether it be some new exciting idea, or a shared passion. It is my opinion that friendships in this phase can be the most exciting, but also the most fleeting.

It is in the period of early adulthood (I'd say from about 19-25) that I feel most of us experience the most growth from our friendships. As discussed, we are exposed to a wealth of people, many of whom have traveled the world to end up in the same place we are. We are drawn to these people and we develop friendships, growing in the process. As we learn from and become close with new people, our lives are constantly changing. People graduate college, change jobs, get married, have kids, and move away. And this is why friendships in this stage are often the most fleeting. Keeping in touch isn't so easy when the circumstances that brought us together are no longer there. Many of us lament this process, feeling as though there are no "true" friends. However, I have had many discussions with people who feel that this is the "true" nature of friendship; that friends are only there for a brief period and serve a specific purpose.

To subscribe to this theory, that true friendship is that which serves a purpose and is temporary, one must accept the ever-changing nature of friendships, which I have tried to lay out in this post. As I arrive on the next phase of friendship, which I feel I am in now, I would have to agree that friendship as a whole is a fluid process, and one that becomes even more inconsistent when we add the element of gender into the process. During this post, I have talked about friendship in the most general terms, without regard to gender or feelings beyond that of simply a friend. To define "friend" in this way leaves out several levels of friendship, most of which would require their own explanation. For the purposes of this blog, I'd like to limit discussion to simply platonic and romantic.

Gender and feelings play into friendships from the earliest times, but I feel they only start to conflict with one another in adulthood. I say this because the majority of my close friends during adulthood have been of the opposite sex. These friendships have started in all manners and fashions, whether they be work acquaintances, school friends, or mutual friends. Sometimes there was an initial attraction, other times none at all, and sometimes an attraction developed. Universally, however, attraction played into the picture and the friendship stopped being so easy. More often than not, when people become attracted to each other in a friendship, this is explored, at least partially, and the friendship is affected. While the immediate effects of such things vary depending on the specific situation, I'd like to point to the consistent long-term effects of friends becoming more. Unless the friendship leads to a long-term relationship, what usually happens is the eventual dissolution of the friendship. This process can be a very quick and obvious one, but often times can take years and be a much more subtle process. However, the deciding factor in the long run is always the same; the introduction of a serious relationship.

Often times after a friendship develops into something more, only to go back to being platonic, people are able to stay friends. For a time. This only lasts until one or both parties enter into a committed relationship. I have seen this pattern consistently enough to come up with a theory, which I think helps explain this phenomenon. Once people get to a romantic place together, it is impossible to take away all of those feelings. Friendships can last for years after a break up, and people can even date other people. But old feelings will always be there, if only in memory. Then, when someone comes along that makes us want to settle down, we are faced with a dilemma; is it possible to give ourselves completely to somebody while maintaining friendships that still harbor feelings? Inevitably, the answer is no. It is impossible to enter into a serious relationship while still having relationships with a romantic past. No matter how hard we try, the nature of the friendship is changed forever.

So am I suggesting that we never give romance a try in our friendships? Not at all. But just as with all the types of friendships I've discussed in this post, we need to be aware of their ever-changing nature and accept the fact that altering the nature of the relationship willingly will end up changing the friendship forever. With this in mind, I have taken the approach of valuing all friendships, regardless of length or circumstance. I have learned more from the people in my life than from any other experience and I wouldn't trade that for all the friends in the world.