I Really Should Let the Professionals Do the Talking

If you actually read this blog regularly, you may remember my blog on 22 Aug 2010 titled "Hey! Wha' Happened?" While I did my best to make my point, author and poet Andrei Codrescu puts things much more eloquently in his commentary "Conquering A Fear of Robots."

Go ahead and give it a listen!

Atheist but Spiritual

Is it possible for someone to believe in spirituality but not believe in God? Can someone be open to the possibility that there is more to this world than what we can see yet not come to the conclusion that there is an all-powerful being in charge of it all? I would like to offer a worldview that includes spirituality but doesn't include an omnipotent being. Before I get into this, I should add a disclaimer that these views are from one man (me), so I'm very aware that many of you won't agree with me.

Let me get started by discussing what I believe to be the two "selves" that each of us are born with. First, there is our worldly self. This person is influenced by the forces that surround us and what we are told is right and wrong. Anyone with even a casual knowledge of behavioral studies is familiar with the "nature vs. nurture" debate. Well, this self would fall under the "nurture" category in that it is shaped more by its environment than any internal factors. The second self is our more natural self and the one that follows instincts and does as it feels. This, naturally, would fall into the category of "nature." When looking at these two selves, they paint a picture of the average person, but also set up a struggle for one's true self. And interestingly enough, both sides of a person act both together, and against each other, to shape who we perceive ourselves to be.

When people ask themselves the question of "who am I?" as is natural to do, there are forces both externally and from within that inform this question. First, the external forces come in to shape our view of ourselves. More often than not, this includes parents taking us to church and telling us about an all-powerful God who created us, created a world for us, and wants us to serve him to return to him. This is nourished through church, bible (or other religious text) study, constant references to God and religion in the media, and of course, prayer. From a very early age kids are taught to pray to a god for guidance and obey his every word in hopes that we will please him and return to him some day

In addition to this, there are our internal selves that are constantly asking the question of "who is the real me?" This version of ourselves is constantly at odds with the side that's constantly being told what to think. Our internal selves dare to ask the questions that directly go against what they're taught. "What if there isn't a God. Then what? What comes after this life if there is no afterlife? Is this it?

For this blog, I would like to focus on these two selves as separate entities, one being mortal and ending in this world, and the other being immortal and everlasting. It should be pretty obvious by now that I am referring to our worldly selves as mortal and our internal selves as never ending. I'd like to note here that I am not the first person to think of ourselves in these terms. Most religions will refer to this internal self as the "soul" or "spirit" and I, too, am comfortable using these terms. A person's spirit is his/her natural self that exists before we get to earth and stays living after their physical death. It is the part of us that feels things on a deep and emotional level and that allows us to be our most creative, loving, and honest. C.S. Lewis described this side of humans, saying, "There are no ordinary people. Remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship. No one ever talks to a mere mortal...it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit-immortal horrors or everlasting splendors...your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses."

In viewing people as these everlasting beautiful beings, it seems reasonable to allow that these beings offer guidance after they have left the physical world. And this is where I believe guidance from above truly comes from. It is my belief that we, as people, are guided not by an all-powerful god, but rather by host of spirits who have passed through this world and now offer guidance where we choose to find it. Personally, I find this in the beauty and art that is everywhere in this world. I find it in the truly inspired work of great artists and musicians, in everyone who's ever created something new or performed past their normal expectations. This, to me, is the true guiding force in this universe and I love the view that we are all amazing, immortal beings that we "would be strongly tempted to worship." How much better is this worldview than saying we can't accept someone who doesn't believe the way we do.

In closing, I would just like to say that acceptance is the key in making this world one for everybody. I don't expect everyone to agree with this blog just like I don't agree with organized religion. However, I do believe that we're all amazing beings capable of amazing things and to close out any faction of our people simply because of the way they feel is a tragic disservice to the amazing people in this world.

Hey! Wha' Happened?

The phone rings. You wait to pick it up hoping someone else will, because the chances are it's not even for you. You wait...silence. Yes! But wait. You want to talk to your friend. You heard a really funny story and want to share it with them. Only problem is the person calling is your sister's boyfriend and she'll have the phone tied up for hours. What to do? Damn it, you'll have to walk down the street to your friend's house, hope he's home, and do a pop-in, which will inevitably lead to the two of you hanging out for awhile.

This is a scene you would never experience in the age of cell phones and the internet. A phone actually ringing (and an actual phone, too, with an actual ring), the recipient of the call answering even though they don't know who's calling or who the intended recipient is, and a young person being forced to actually...wait for it...LEAVE the house to see a friend. And yet, while this was the norm in my house as well as countless others in the late 80s/early 90s, the age of cell phones and the internet has made social contact all but a thing of the past.

Now, I'm not saying that we have completely abandoned interactions with each other in favor of the isolation of a computer and a handheld device. Obviously people are still reproducing, which as far as I know, still requires actual contact with a human being. But technology has made several of the reasons for interacting with one another obsolete. For example, in addition to reducing the necessity to visit our friends to talk, cell phones through text messaging, have even made talking on the phone a relative relic. If you have something quick to say to someone that doesn't require an actual conversation, you just send them a text and hope for a reply.

The internet has also played a large part in this change. In the past, in order to stay current on all the latest news, happenings of friends, shopping trends, etc, you would need to either talk to a friend or watch the news. In addition to this, if you were in school or working and had a project that required research, you would either have to go to the library to do research or collaborate with others who have access to the files that you need. Now all one has to do is go on the internet, type something into a search engine, and they have access to more information than was imaginable, even as recently as 20 years ago.

It is important to understand that technology, while making people generally more isolated as a whole, has also expanded our socializing in many ways. Through social networking sites and email it is getting easier and easier to keep in touch with people, regardless of their location in the world. Photo and video sharing are effortless, which helps people connect in other ways. Through dating sites people are able to meet interesting people and even filter those who they meet based on selected criteria. All of these things act as a double-edged sword, both expanding and contracting our world in its scope and its effectiveness.

While I do see these tools as being positive, I still lament the days of walking to a buddy's house, running around outside all day and hearing, "Danny, come home for dinner!" when it was that time. I miss hearing the phone ring and hoping it was the girl I liked, hearing news through word of mouth rather than through CNN Breaking News alerts. And call me old fashioned if you must, but I prefer meeting someone by chance out in the world than meeting online based on pre-screened criteria. Maybe with a little effort we can have all of these things while still enjoying the conveniences of modern technology.

To close, please enjoy this video depicting how we used to receive news.

Bipolar or Spiritual?

A Beautiful Deception

"There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somehow, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality."

-Kay Redfield-Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

Running is my drug

And now I live in a world that I call my own
It's always nice when no one's home
It's another world but it's something more than ordinary
Such a lovely day and it's nothing more than ordinary livin'

Let's get Lit!

You have made me smile again. In fact, I might be sore from it; it's been awhile.

Seven weeks to be exact. It's been seven weeks since I first went off the deep end and had to be hauled away in an ambulance to the ER. And now today, seven weeks to the day after I thought everything and everyone was talking directly to and about me, I made my return to the classroom, both humbled and overwhelmed by the amount of support and love that exists in my life.

It's interesting. When I had my first manic episode, I was convinced that I had some great purpose on this planet and everyone was trying to tell me what they needed. Not once did I resent this and, instead, felt inferior in my efforts to assist. When I was first taken to the hospital and, subsequently, to the inpatient unit in Utah County, I felt as though every one of my rights were being violated by people who couldn't possibly have known my mind as I know it myself. They couldn't have my best interest at heart because no one but me knew what my best interest was. And finally, when I was put on paid administrative leave because I still couldn't control that machine that is my mind, I felt as though my livelihood were taken away from me and it was my job to figure out where it went.

And it was in this journey that I learned more about my world than I ever could have imagined. The greatest lesson I learned is that it is you-my friends, my family, my students, my doctors-you who know me best. You who had the perspective to look at me, who was resisting all efforts to help, and let me know that I was anything but myself, and got me the help I needed. It's funny, while I was away from work I felt as though my life had no worth. My time was spent cleaning, sleeping, and talking with those who would listen. And it was through these interactions that I found the true value in my life; you. All of you.

Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for bringing me to where I am today. Today I was able, for the first time in almost a month, to look at my 60 students and let them know that they had their teacher back. And after a day of teaching, I was able to go for a run through the streets that I have grown to love and know that I am the same person who's run these streets for years. Today I was Mr. Hilder, I was Danny, I was D-Train (thanks Rob Dawg), I was son (thanks Dad), and I was Dad (thanks Bella). I was able to be all the people I've known I can be, but doubted I could be again, and I owe it all to you. Thank you for showing me that the battle with myself is not one to be won, but to be embraced through the help of others.