In today's world we are faced with more problems and challenges than ever before. Rising unemployment, an economic system that seems horribly unbalanced, an education system with growing achievement gaps, all coupled with our day-to-day troubles. It's no secret that these are tough times and people are frustrated. And with frustration comes high stress and a search for relief. For many of us this relief comes in finding someone to blame for our problems. Maybe unemployment's so high because of our current tax code and recent economic decisions, perhaps these economic decisions are a result of out-of-control government spending, maybe our schools are failing because our teachers aren't working hard enough; whatever the problem, we can find someone or something to blame. But where does all this blame get us, other than giving our complaints a focal point?
The truth is, placing the blame on any one person or entity sells the real problem short. And even more detrimental, it takes us away from what our focus should be in the first place: fixing the problems and making things better. Let's assume for a moment that all of the blame being tossed around is justified. The government and Wall Street really are to blame for our financial woes, the public education system is broken and it's its own fault, my neighbor's dog shit on my lawn so everyone's out to get me, it's all true. Given this, it seems that there is plenty of blame to go around. None of us is immune from criticism, and therefore, should not be free from responsibility in fixing a very broken country.
As I look at the world around me and have discussions with people in my life, the sentiment is universal that, as a whole, the country is not functioning and people are frustrated. We are frustrated with a government that can't work together, a school system that ignores the real problems, an entitled population that has been coddled by societal privileges, and we all feel we have a right to something better. And herein lies the problem. We all think we have a right to something better, but none of us is willing to take the responsibility to work toward a solution. Instead we're too focused on finding someone to blame for our problems.
I'd like to challenge us to move past the blaming phase and start working toward solutions. Let's accept that we have a lot of challenges and that all of us-even YOU AND I-are to blame. Now that we've accepted this, let's move on to identifying exactly what is wrong and what we can do, as individuals, to affect larger change. The easiest way to do this, in my opinion, is to really listen to each other and hear the concerns being raised by individuals. When listening to concerns, it's important not to get defensive and instead, really hear the concerns being raised. If the concern is a broken economic system, what specifically is affecting you? If education is the problem, what aspect of the process isn't working? When we break down these larger problems into individual concerns, we can then start working on these smaller components to affect larger change. This is what grassroots activism is all about.
I truly believe if we start working together at an individual level, this change will lead to the right kind of people being put into office and a government that truly has the best interests of its people in mind. We can't expect the people in charge to understand our concerns if we don't even understand them ourselves. By working with each other, we can start the wheels of change that are going to fix a severely damaged system. So let's stop blaming each other and start working together to truly "be the change we want to see in this world."
...Now, if after reading this you still feel the need to blame others, may as well make like these people and take it to the top, right?
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I Can Tell that We are Going to be Friends, Whatever That Means
Think back for a minute to your first day of school. If you can't remember your very first day, at least try and think of the first day you remember. Think back to looking into a room, being introduced to your teacher, and seeing the faces of 25+ strangers. In that moment you were faced, possibly for the first time, with the challenge we all face of who will be our friends and who will not. Without even realizing it, you were about to make some decisions, that while maybe seeming insignificant, would impact your social structure and the way you viewed yourself in more profound ways than you would have ever thought. You were choosing the people who would shape you, help you, hurt you, and impact you in ways that would stick with you for the rest of your life. But, of course, none of this entered into your head at that time. How we view the people around us, and the potential for any relationship, is an ever-changing process, and one we certainly didn't take into account when we were five years old getting ready to sit on a rug. In this post, I'd like to discuss the factors that make someone a friend as opposed to an acquaintance or less. I've come to this topic through random discussions with friends and colleagues recently on the ever-changing nature of friends and relationships.
When one thinks back to the first time he/she was faced with the challenge of making friends, the factors that were important are very limited. Initially, we tend to look for people with obvious similar interests. Often times, at the earliest of ages, gender is the first filter . Boys tend to seek out other boys and girls are inclined to act similarly. Once we have narrowed our choices this way, we then look for similar interests, such as sports, comic books, video games, and other things. Once a similar interest has been established a friendship can blossom.
If this explanation of early childhood friendships seems a little simplistic to you, I'd have to agree with you. However, I feel an explanation lies in the needs one has for a friendship in these early years. In my years as a teacher I have been privileged enough to observe the friendships and interactions between my students and see what this entails. In its purest sense, friendship at this age consists of someone to walk around with and be a sounding board for your life. In talking with students and fellow teachers, the most consistent need expressed by students is that of companionship; someone to be with at recess and talk to during lunch.
As we progress through our school years, social pressures begin to grow and the element of acceptance enters into the picture. This is present both in the friendship itself, but also in the need to for the friendship to be accepted by one's peers. Once someone enters secondary education and high school, it's not enough to have friends; friends also have to be cool and make you look good to others. At this point the filters become more and often times our friends become ways for us to promote ourselves. Mutual interests will still bring people together, but social circles become increasingly important and who you know becomes as important as what you do. The needs of a friendship also change. While companionship is still important, friends at this stage really are needed for the growth of one another. Who else can challenge you to be better in all regards, but the person who spends the most time with you? In high school it is our friends who make us look good and who make activities possible. When done correctly, this can be a mutually beneficial relationship, the likes of which most of us are unlikely to see again. Never again will our friendships be such a mutually-sustaining collaboration.
The reason for this is, once we graduate high school and are in an adult world, we are expected to be able to sustain ourselves, at least at some level. No longer is it acceptable to rely solely on others for social interactions and growth. Many of us enter college at this point, and for others it is the workforce that is our new home. Friendships now become a matter of convenience, as our lives are ever more constricted, while the scope of our world becomes ever greater. The people with whom we interact the most are those at our jobs or our classrooms. We see these people for eight hours a day sometimes and we learn that they come from all walks of life. In early adulthood it is the first time for many of us that we've seen people who didn't grow up exactly how we did. Because of this we may be drawn to different people and find ourselves seeking out the new. Old friendships often dwindle during this period as we are exposed to so many new things. At this point most people have begun a process of "finding themselves," or at least discovering what truly interests them and it's not enough just to have grown up with someone. To be a friend you have to bring something more to the table, whether it be some new exciting idea, or a shared passion. It is my opinion that friendships in this phase can be the most exciting, but also the most fleeting.
It is in the period of early adulthood (I'd say from about 19-25) that I feel most of us experience the most growth from our friendships. As discussed, we are exposed to a wealth of people, many of whom have traveled the world to end up in the same place we are. We are drawn to these people and we develop friendships, growing in the process. As we learn from and become close with new people, our lives are constantly changing. People graduate college, change jobs, get married, have kids, and move away. And this is why friendships in this stage are often the most fleeting. Keeping in touch isn't so easy when the circumstances that brought us together are no longer there. Many of us lament this process, feeling as though there are no "true" friends. However, I have had many discussions with people who feel that this is the "true" nature of friendship; that friends are only there for a brief period and serve a specific purpose.
To subscribe to this theory, that true friendship is that which serves a purpose and is temporary, one must accept the ever-changing nature of friendships, which I have tried to lay out in this post. As I arrive on the next phase of friendship, which I feel I am in now, I would have to agree that friendship as a whole is a fluid process, and one that becomes even more inconsistent when we add the element of gender into the process. During this post, I have talked about friendship in the most general terms, without regard to gender or feelings beyond that of simply a friend. To define "friend" in this way leaves out several levels of friendship, most of which would require their own explanation. For the purposes of this blog, I'd like to limit discussion to simply platonic and romantic.
Gender and feelings play into friendships from the earliest times, but I feel they only start to conflict with one another in adulthood. I say this because the majority of my close friends during adulthood have been of the opposite sex. These friendships have started in all manners and fashions, whether they be work acquaintances, school friends, or mutual friends. Sometimes there was an initial attraction, other times none at all, and sometimes an attraction developed. Universally, however, attraction played into the picture and the friendship stopped being so easy. More often than not, when people become attracted to each other in a friendship, this is explored, at least partially, and the friendship is affected. While the immediate effects of such things vary depending on the specific situation, I'd like to point to the consistent long-term effects of friends becoming more. Unless the friendship leads to a long-term relationship, what usually happens is the eventual dissolution of the friendship. This process can be a very quick and obvious one, but often times can take years and be a much more subtle process. However, the deciding factor in the long run is always the same; the introduction of a serious relationship.
Often times after a friendship develops into something more, only to go back to being platonic, people are able to stay friends. For a time. This only lasts until one or both parties enter into a committed relationship. I have seen this pattern consistently enough to come up with a theory, which I think helps explain this phenomenon. Once people get to a romantic place together, it is impossible to take away all of those feelings. Friendships can last for years after a break up, and people can even date other people. But old feelings will always be there, if only in memory. Then, when someone comes along that makes us want to settle down, we are faced with a dilemma; is it possible to give ourselves completely to somebody while maintaining friendships that still harbor feelings? Inevitably, the answer is no. It is impossible to enter into a serious relationship while still having relationships with a romantic past. No matter how hard we try, the nature of the friendship is changed forever.
So am I suggesting that we never give romance a try in our friendships? Not at all. But just as with all the types of friendships I've discussed in this post, we need to be aware of their ever-changing nature and accept the fact that altering the nature of the relationship willingly will end up changing the friendship forever. With this in mind, I have taken the approach of valuing all friendships, regardless of length or circumstance. I have learned more from the people in my life than from any other experience and I wouldn't trade that for all the friends in the world.
When one thinks back to the first time he/she was faced with the challenge of making friends, the factors that were important are very limited. Initially, we tend to look for people with obvious similar interests. Often times, at the earliest of ages, gender is the first filter . Boys tend to seek out other boys and girls are inclined to act similarly. Once we have narrowed our choices this way, we then look for similar interests, such as sports, comic books, video games, and other things. Once a similar interest has been established a friendship can blossom.
If this explanation of early childhood friendships seems a little simplistic to you, I'd have to agree with you. However, I feel an explanation lies in the needs one has for a friendship in these early years. In my years as a teacher I have been privileged enough to observe the friendships and interactions between my students and see what this entails. In its purest sense, friendship at this age consists of someone to walk around with and be a sounding board for your life. In talking with students and fellow teachers, the most consistent need expressed by students is that of companionship; someone to be with at recess and talk to during lunch.
As we progress through our school years, social pressures begin to grow and the element of acceptance enters into the picture. This is present both in the friendship itself, but also in the need to for the friendship to be accepted by one's peers. Once someone enters secondary education and high school, it's not enough to have friends; friends also have to be cool and make you look good to others. At this point the filters become more and often times our friends become ways for us to promote ourselves. Mutual interests will still bring people together, but social circles become increasingly important and who you know becomes as important as what you do. The needs of a friendship also change. While companionship is still important, friends at this stage really are needed for the growth of one another. Who else can challenge you to be better in all regards, but the person who spends the most time with you? In high school it is our friends who make us look good and who make activities possible. When done correctly, this can be a mutually beneficial relationship, the likes of which most of us are unlikely to see again. Never again will our friendships be such a mutually-sustaining collaboration.
The reason for this is, once we graduate high school and are in an adult world, we are expected to be able to sustain ourselves, at least at some level. No longer is it acceptable to rely solely on others for social interactions and growth. Many of us enter college at this point, and for others it is the workforce that is our new home. Friendships now become a matter of convenience, as our lives are ever more constricted, while the scope of our world becomes ever greater. The people with whom we interact the most are those at our jobs or our classrooms. We see these people for eight hours a day sometimes and we learn that they come from all walks of life. In early adulthood it is the first time for many of us that we've seen people who didn't grow up exactly how we did. Because of this we may be drawn to different people and find ourselves seeking out the new. Old friendships often dwindle during this period as we are exposed to so many new things. At this point most people have begun a process of "finding themselves," or at least discovering what truly interests them and it's not enough just to have grown up with someone. To be a friend you have to bring something more to the table, whether it be some new exciting idea, or a shared passion. It is my opinion that friendships in this phase can be the most exciting, but also the most fleeting.
It is in the period of early adulthood (I'd say from about 19-25) that I feel most of us experience the most growth from our friendships. As discussed, we are exposed to a wealth of people, many of whom have traveled the world to end up in the same place we are. We are drawn to these people and we develop friendships, growing in the process. As we learn from and become close with new people, our lives are constantly changing. People graduate college, change jobs, get married, have kids, and move away. And this is why friendships in this stage are often the most fleeting. Keeping in touch isn't so easy when the circumstances that brought us together are no longer there. Many of us lament this process, feeling as though there are no "true" friends. However, I have had many discussions with people who feel that this is the "true" nature of friendship; that friends are only there for a brief period and serve a specific purpose.
To subscribe to this theory, that true friendship is that which serves a purpose and is temporary, one must accept the ever-changing nature of friendships, which I have tried to lay out in this post. As I arrive on the next phase of friendship, which I feel I am in now, I would have to agree that friendship as a whole is a fluid process, and one that becomes even more inconsistent when we add the element of gender into the process. During this post, I have talked about friendship in the most general terms, without regard to gender or feelings beyond that of simply a friend. To define "friend" in this way leaves out several levels of friendship, most of which would require their own explanation. For the purposes of this blog, I'd like to limit discussion to simply platonic and romantic.
Gender and feelings play into friendships from the earliest times, but I feel they only start to conflict with one another in adulthood. I say this because the majority of my close friends during adulthood have been of the opposite sex. These friendships have started in all manners and fashions, whether they be work acquaintances, school friends, or mutual friends. Sometimes there was an initial attraction, other times none at all, and sometimes an attraction developed. Universally, however, attraction played into the picture and the friendship stopped being so easy. More often than not, when people become attracted to each other in a friendship, this is explored, at least partially, and the friendship is affected. While the immediate effects of such things vary depending on the specific situation, I'd like to point to the consistent long-term effects of friends becoming more. Unless the friendship leads to a long-term relationship, what usually happens is the eventual dissolution of the friendship. This process can be a very quick and obvious one, but often times can take years and be a much more subtle process. However, the deciding factor in the long run is always the same; the introduction of a serious relationship.
Often times after a friendship develops into something more, only to go back to being platonic, people are able to stay friends. For a time. This only lasts until one or both parties enter into a committed relationship. I have seen this pattern consistently enough to come up with a theory, which I think helps explain this phenomenon. Once people get to a romantic place together, it is impossible to take away all of those feelings. Friendships can last for years after a break up, and people can even date other people. But old feelings will always be there, if only in memory. Then, when someone comes along that makes us want to settle down, we are faced with a dilemma; is it possible to give ourselves completely to somebody while maintaining friendships that still harbor feelings? Inevitably, the answer is no. It is impossible to enter into a serious relationship while still having relationships with a romantic past. No matter how hard we try, the nature of the friendship is changed forever.
So am I suggesting that we never give romance a try in our friendships? Not at all. But just as with all the types of friendships I've discussed in this post, we need to be aware of their ever-changing nature and accept the fact that altering the nature of the relationship willingly will end up changing the friendship forever. With this in mind, I have taken the approach of valuing all friendships, regardless of length or circumstance. I have learned more from the people in my life than from any other experience and I wouldn't trade that for all the friends in the world.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
It Happened Today, Hooray!
One year ago today my transformation from fine to not was officially complete. This time last year I was at University Hospital, strapped to a bed, and trying to convince myself that the cause for my insanity was some divine purpose from above; some great lesson I was learning that would change my life forever, but would require this horrible experience. The experience I'm relating to you is of being trapped in a part of your mind you didn't even know existed. To be so trapped in this place that you perceive everything as a validation of its purpose. A positive affirmation that what you are doing is for a great purpose, even though it goes against everything you know yourself to be.
I experienced just this situation last year when I had my first, and hopefully only, manic episode. Until this time I had no idea that I was even bipolar. I had no history of depression or mania, nor does my immediate family. We would find out (quite obviously in hindsight) that my mania was triggered by several factors in my life. Work was insanely stressful with the 60+ students I had between three classes in two schools, in addition to the four students I was tutoring. Work stress led to lack of sleep, which led to lack of food, which led to mania. The events leading to me going to the ER at University Hospital are too personal to post, but as many of you know my stay there led to a week long stay in a behavioral health unit in Utah County. My time there was incredible and I learned some of the most amazing lessons I will ever learn. I also met some of the most amazing people I will ever have the honor of crossing paths with.
The first of these truly wonderful people I want to mention is a nurse by the name of Stephen. My first encounter with Stephen was my first morning in the hospital. After heavy sedation, I was awakened to the sound of the director of the center, Dr. Harlan, busting into my room and screaming, "Hi, I'm Dr. Harlan, I bet they didn't tell you about me!" I had been so heavily sedated that I didn't know I was in Utah County, let alone that there was a Dr. Harlan and he was the director of the place. So I have a meeting with Dr. Harlan to go over things, etc, and afterward a nurse by the name of Stephen comes in. He sits down and asks some questions, but in an amazingly understanding tone. I responded in one of the questions with a curse word, as I sometimes do, but instantly apologized and asked how he felt about swearing. He said it's not really his thing, and I proceeded to answer his questions. I mention this part because I never swore the remainder of the time I was in the hospital. This guy had my respect that fast because of the way he treated me. He was the one nurse to treat me with that kind of respect in that entire place, and he will never know how much it meant to be treated like a human being again.
The other person I'd like to mention is actually people. They are all of my fellow patients. In my encounters with them over that week I was honored to hear and share some of the most amazing experiences and stories that I ever have, and I know I will never experience anything like that again. I had some incredibly meaningful conversations with people, and every one of them left me feeling an insane amount of love and respect for my new friends. They taught me that everyone in life is where they are for a reason. None of us has the right to see someone in a situation and make any judgments or assumptions. I never would have imagined being where I was this time last year, but when I got there and met these people, I saw that we all get to places and any number of ways. Our experiences are what make us who we are and these people were amazing.
In closing I'd like to say that my initial feelings about this experiences ended up not being that far off. Although I no longer feel this experience was a divine one, I do feel it is the greatest learning experience of my entire life. I learned more about myself in the last year than in the last 28 combined. And now, one year later, as I look at where I've come, I know I'm just beginning this journey of recovering from what happened and rediscovering myself as a person. It's been a crazy ride so far, and I can't wait to see where it takes me next.
I experienced just this situation last year when I had my first, and hopefully only, manic episode. Until this time I had no idea that I was even bipolar. I had no history of depression or mania, nor does my immediate family. We would find out (quite obviously in hindsight) that my mania was triggered by several factors in my life. Work was insanely stressful with the 60+ students I had between three classes in two schools, in addition to the four students I was tutoring. Work stress led to lack of sleep, which led to lack of food, which led to mania. The events leading to me going to the ER at University Hospital are too personal to post, but as many of you know my stay there led to a week long stay in a behavioral health unit in Utah County. My time there was incredible and I learned some of the most amazing lessons I will ever learn. I also met some of the most amazing people I will ever have the honor of crossing paths with.
The first of these truly wonderful people I want to mention is a nurse by the name of Stephen. My first encounter with Stephen was my first morning in the hospital. After heavy sedation, I was awakened to the sound of the director of the center, Dr. Harlan, busting into my room and screaming, "Hi, I'm Dr. Harlan, I bet they didn't tell you about me!" I had been so heavily sedated that I didn't know I was in Utah County, let alone that there was a Dr. Harlan and he was the director of the place. So I have a meeting with Dr. Harlan to go over things, etc, and afterward a nurse by the name of Stephen comes in. He sits down and asks some questions, but in an amazingly understanding tone. I responded in one of the questions with a curse word, as I sometimes do, but instantly apologized and asked how he felt about swearing. He said it's not really his thing, and I proceeded to answer his questions. I mention this part because I never swore the remainder of the time I was in the hospital. This guy had my respect that fast because of the way he treated me. He was the one nurse to treat me with that kind of respect in that entire place, and he will never know how much it meant to be treated like a human being again.
The other person I'd like to mention is actually people. They are all of my fellow patients. In my encounters with them over that week I was honored to hear and share some of the most amazing experiences and stories that I ever have, and I know I will never experience anything like that again. I had some incredibly meaningful conversations with people, and every one of them left me feeling an insane amount of love and respect for my new friends. They taught me that everyone in life is where they are for a reason. None of us has the right to see someone in a situation and make any judgments or assumptions. I never would have imagined being where I was this time last year, but when I got there and met these people, I saw that we all get to places and any number of ways. Our experiences are what make us who we are and these people were amazing.
In closing I'd like to say that my initial feelings about this experiences ended up not being that far off. Although I no longer feel this experience was a divine one, I do feel it is the greatest learning experience of my entire life. I learned more about myself in the last year than in the last 28 combined. And now, one year later, as I look at where I've come, I know I'm just beginning this journey of recovering from what happened and rediscovering myself as a person. It's been a crazy ride so far, and I can't wait to see where it takes me next.
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