It Happened Today, Hooray!

One year ago today my transformation from fine to not was officially complete. This time last year I was at University Hospital, strapped to a bed, and trying to convince myself that the cause for my insanity was some divine purpose from above; some great lesson I was learning that would change my life forever, but would require this horrible experience. The experience I'm relating to you is of being trapped in a part of your mind you didn't even know existed. To be so trapped in this place that you perceive everything as a validation of its purpose. A positive affirmation that what you are doing is for a great purpose, even though it goes against everything you know yourself to be.

I experienced just this situation last year when I had my first, and hopefully only, manic episode. Until this time I had no idea that I was even bipolar. I had no history of depression or mania, nor does my immediate family. We would find out (quite obviously in hindsight) that my mania was triggered by several factors in my life. Work was insanely stressful with the 60+ students I had between three classes in two schools, in addition to the four students I was tutoring. Work stress led to lack of sleep, which led to lack of food, which led to mania. The events leading to me going to the ER at University Hospital are too personal to post, but as many of you know my stay there led to a week long stay in a behavioral health unit in Utah County. My time there was incredible and I learned some of the most amazing lessons I will ever learn. I also met some of the most amazing people I will ever have the honor of crossing paths with.

The first of these truly wonderful people I want to mention is a nurse by the name of Stephen. My first encounter with Stephen was my first morning in the hospital. After heavy sedation, I was awakened to the sound of the director of the center, Dr. Harlan, busting into my room and screaming, "Hi, I'm Dr. Harlan, I bet they didn't tell you about me!" I had been so heavily sedated that I didn't know I was in Utah County, let alone that there was a Dr. Harlan and he was the director of the place. So I have a meeting with Dr. Harlan to go over things, etc, and afterward a nurse by the name of Stephen comes in. He sits down and asks some questions, but in an amazingly understanding tone. I responded in one of the questions with a curse word, as I sometimes do, but instantly apologized and asked how he felt about swearing. He said it's not really his thing, and I proceeded to answer his questions. I mention this part because I never swore the remainder of the time I was in the hospital. This guy had my respect that fast because of the way he treated me. He was the one nurse to treat me with that kind of respect in that entire place, and he will never know how much it meant to be treated like a human being again.

The other person I'd like to mention is actually people. They are all of my fellow patients. In my encounters with them over that week I was honored to hear and share some of the most amazing experiences and stories that I ever have, and I know I will never experience anything like that again. I had some incredibly meaningful conversations with people, and every one of them left me feeling an insane amount of love and respect for my new friends. They taught me that everyone in life is where they are for a reason. None of us has the right to see someone in a situation and make any judgments or assumptions. I never would have imagined being where I was this time last year, but when I got there and met these people, I saw that we all get to places and any number of ways. Our experiences are what make us who we are and these people were amazing.

In closing I'd like to say that my initial feelings about this experiences ended up not being that far off. Although I no longer feel this experience was a divine one, I do feel it is the greatest learning experience of my entire life. I learned more about myself in the last year than in the last 28 combined. And now, one year later, as I look at where I've come, I know I'm just beginning this journey of recovering from what happened and rediscovering myself as a person. It's been a crazy ride so far, and I can't wait to see where it takes me next.