Welcome to Jr. High

I know what you're thinking, Jr. High school's been over for close to 20 years and you have no desire to ever return to that place.  It's a time when children are going through perhaps the most change they have ever experienced.  They leave the elementary school world of one class, one teacher, and roughly 30 classmates and now experience eight classes and as many as 250 fellow classmates.  This is in addition to the hundreds of other students who aren't in their classes or grade.

Along with the change in atmosphere, kids at this age are also experiencing the most physical and hormonal changes that they will see for the rest of their lives.  With puberty comes hormones, and these hormones bring emotional fluctuations and depth that, while being very exciting, can also be extremely challenging.  There is nothing scarier than experiencing change at deep, personal levels and not really knowing what to make of it.  For me, personally, this was the first time I experienced any of my manic/depressive traits and I imagine this was an emotional time for many of us.

Then we graduate into high school and we get a break from overwhelming physical changes and, instead, learn how to fit into a society with peers while preparing to be self-sufficient adults.  This can be a struggle as these are two fairly contrary things.  By the time we graduate high school, we generally have an idea who we are (or at least who we want to be) and have an understanding that the world extends well beyond the walls of high school.  At this point, we decide if we want to take our education further in college or if we want to try our hand in the working world.  Regardless, I feel the developing self takes a brief hiatus and we are able to live within ourselves while contributing to society as a whole.  For a lot of us we see this as the best time of our lives, and there is good reason for this.  I know for me I remember feeling confident and optimistic during my early 20s and college years.

And now, four years removed from college and into my career, I find myself where I feel many of us do in our late 20s/early 30s-going through the second round of huge life changes.  I feel as though I've graduated from the elementary school of being an adult and have now entered Jr. High, realizing that I really am an adult and figuring out what my contribution to the world will be (as a Jr. High student might come to terms with not being a little kid anymore).  This, of course, can be very liberating as we lose dependence on outside factors.  For a teenager it may be breaking free of some of the dependence on parents.  By the age of twelve, when Jr. High starts, most kids have taken on a greater share of personal responsibility, including taking care of their room, clothes, and some of their expenses.  In Jr. High, Pt. 2, adults have completely weened themselves from our parents and have even gotten away from the structure and security of school.  We are responsible for all of our own expenses and, on top of that, we are even expected to make a contribution to the world.

Figuring out just what our place in the world should be can be one of the hardest things any of us go through, and sadly, is something most of us will experience multiple times.  As an adult I have the perspective of 30 years lived to offer some advice for anyone who feels as though they're in a Jr. High of sorts.  I only wish I could have told this to 13-year old me and have him understand it.  It's the greatest lesson I've ever learned, as well as the hardest.  The simple truth is, you can't understand your part in the world until you truly know and love yourself.  A simple concept that takes a lifetime to understand.  But if you take the steps to truly know and love yourself, I promise you your path and purpose will come to you.  And even better than that, you will have a confidence and strength of self that no one can waver.  Only when you truly love yourself can you love another and accept their love in return.

Now if you've ever wondered what it looks like for someone to realize who he/she is, I have found no better example than this one from Freaks and Geeks.  It's Bill after having a dogshit day at school and coming home to a beautiful understanding.  Enjoy!

The Other Side of Manic-Depressive Disorder

"Nothing had happened to him-a happening is a positive reality, and no reality could ever make him helpless; this was some enormous negative-as if everything had been wiped out, leaving a senseless emptiness, faintly indecent because it seemed so ordinary, so unexciting, like murder wearing a homey smile.
     Nothing was gone-except desire; no, more than that-the root, the desire to desire.  He thought that a man who loses his eyes still retains the concept of sight; but he had heard of a ghastlier blindness-if the brain centers controlling vision are destroyed, one loses even the memory of visual perception."
     -Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead, p. 414

This excerpt is right before one of the main characters contemplates suicide, as he finds himself completely unable to feel.  It may be of interest to note, as well, that he thinks these things right after he spends an evening with a woman of utmost beauty.  Which is why these two paragraphs capture so perfectly what it feels like for someone with manic-depressive disorder to be in a depressed state.  It's not that we don't see the light, it's that we find everything uninteresting.  As someone who has been living with manic-depressive order, I feel the desire to express to my readers what a depressive state truly feels like.

For me, depression sets in when I dig as deep into myself as I possibly can.  I do this as a way of questioning my reality.  At some point, I think we all realize that our world is only as accurate as our perception of it.  When I, personally, came to this realization I immediately became mildly depressed.  If my reality is only my perception, then what is real?  It is in this intrinsic, inquisitive state that I find myself being most depressed.  I begin to question if light is really light, if my purpose really is my purpose, and most recently, if love really is love.  In taking this line of questioning, it becomes very difficult to see beauty and love in the world around you.  For a depressed person, the only true source of beauty is within.  The great thing about this exploration for me, however, is that I have found beauty within myself that no one can touch.

Given this information, I have learned something else.  I have learned that, while true beauty and love can always be found within, it is aided by friends, experiences, and most importantly, family.  My family has seen me through my highs and my lows and have made me the person I am today.  I love all of you and thank you for showing me the light that exists in all of us.