"Nothing had happened to him-a happening is a positive reality, and no reality could ever make him helpless; this was some enormous negative-as if everything had been wiped out, leaving a senseless emptiness, faintly indecent because it seemed so ordinary, so unexciting, like murder wearing a homey smile.
Nothing was gone-except desire; no, more than that-the root, the desire to desire. He thought that a man who loses his eyes still retains the concept of sight; but he had heard of a ghastlier blindness-if the brain centers controlling vision are destroyed, one loses even the memory of visual perception."
-Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead, p. 414
This excerpt is right before one of the main characters contemplates suicide, as he finds himself completely unable to feel. It may be of interest to note, as well, that he thinks these things right after he spends an evening with a woman of utmost beauty. Which is why these two paragraphs capture so perfectly what it feels like for someone with manic-depressive disorder to be in a depressed state. It's not that we don't see the light, it's that we find everything uninteresting. As someone who has been living with manic-depressive order, I feel the desire to express to my readers what a depressive state truly feels like.
For me, depression sets in when I dig as deep into myself as I possibly can. I do this as a way of questioning my reality. At some point, I think we all realize that our world is only as accurate as our perception of it. When I, personally, came to this realization I immediately became mildly depressed. If my reality is only my perception, then what is real? It is in this intrinsic, inquisitive state that I find myself being most depressed. I begin to question if light is really light, if my purpose really is my purpose, and most recently, if love really is love. In taking this line of questioning, it becomes very difficult to see beauty and love in the world around you. For a depressed person, the only true source of beauty is within. The great thing about this exploration for me, however, is that I have found beauty within myself that no one can touch.
Given this information, I have learned something else. I have learned that, while true beauty and love can always be found within, it is aided by friends, experiences, and most importantly, family. My family has seen me through my highs and my lows and have made me the person I am today. I love all of you and thank you for showing me the light that exists in all of us.
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