The Year of No Expectations

I know that the title "The Year of No Expectations" may sound a little depressing at first, but I am here to assure you that having no expectations is a beautiful thing.  Allow me to explain.  You see, like many of us, I tend to start each year by making some resolutions, which inevitably lead to positive expectations about what these resolutions might bring.  There is nothing wrong with having positive expectations for the year.  I am very much a proponent of positive thinking and its effects on positive outcomes.  However, where I have made a mistake in the past is in focusing only on these expectations and forgetting to take time to enjoy the experiences that lead to these outcomes.

I can think of no greater example of this than myself at the start of 2012.  You see, for the last three years I, along with my two brothers, had been looking forward to 2012 as the year we finally get to New York.  So when the clock struck midnight on the night of December 31, 2011, my brothers and I couldn't help but enter the year with nothing but the highest of expectations.  After finishing what proved to be a very successful school year, we would be off to live in the greatest city in the world.  Once there, we would only excel further in our careers and finally achieve all that we had dreamed.

So as the year progressed, I found myself driven by the goal of living in New York by the summer and having it consume just about everything I did.  The bros and I always talked about needing to get "New York ready" and this meant kicking as much ass as possible at work, getting into our best physical shape, and saving over $20,000 to be able to afford the move.  After finally getting New York ready, we achieved our dream and I arrived in New York City the morning of July 22, 2012.

The five months that followed were a roller coaster in every sense of the word.  Getting an apartment proved harder than any of us could have imagined and getting a job wasn't much easier.  Luckily, I was able to get an amazing job teaching 2nd and 3rd grades at Empower Charter School, in Crown Heights, Brooklyn.  I loved my time there and I feel I grew as a teacher more in those months than perhaps in all my previous experience combined.  This growth, however, came with a high level of stress.  The hours, when combined with travel time, were more than I'd ever worked and I found myself with very little time to enjoy the city where I'd always dreamed of living.

The brothers were also struggling, with long hours and inconsistent schedules.  After long discussion, we finally realized that we were exerting far too much energy in maintaining a life in New York than taking care of our personal well-being and enjoying day to day life.  We had pursued New York as the be all/end all for so long that once we achieved it we were willing to do anything to stay there.  When in all actuality, we had lost some of the passion that drove us to Brooklyn in the first place.  In the end, for me, it was my career as an educator that truly drives what I do and I realized that I enjoyed that pursuit much more in Salt Lake City than I did in Brooklyn.  At some point I realized that rather than chase a destination, it was time to let my passion be my guide.

Which leads me to right now, the afternoon of January 3, 2013.  I am back living in Salt Lake City and am excited to get back into the classroom.  With getting into a classroom being the only exception, I really have no other expectations for 2013.  I've learned that things are going to work out the way they're supposed to and all I can do is try to make the greatest positive impact possible.  I know that the educational field is where I've been able to make the biggest difference and as long as I follow this path I will be just fine.  And I look forward to doing this in a place that I've been honored to call home for the last 31 years (with  5 months off, of course), The SLC.  I have found no greater place to enjoy the day to day with no expectations.

Welcome to Jr. High

I know what you're thinking, Jr. High school's been over for close to 20 years and you have no desire to ever return to that place.  It's a time when children are going through perhaps the most change they have ever experienced.  They leave the elementary school world of one class, one teacher, and roughly 30 classmates and now experience eight classes and as many as 250 fellow classmates.  This is in addition to the hundreds of other students who aren't in their classes or grade.

Along with the change in atmosphere, kids at this age are also experiencing the most physical and hormonal changes that they will see for the rest of their lives.  With puberty comes hormones, and these hormones bring emotional fluctuations and depth that, while being very exciting, can also be extremely challenging.  There is nothing scarier than experiencing change at deep, personal levels and not really knowing what to make of it.  For me, personally, this was the first time I experienced any of my manic/depressive traits and I imagine this was an emotional time for many of us.

Then we graduate into high school and we get a break from overwhelming physical changes and, instead, learn how to fit into a society with peers while preparing to be self-sufficient adults.  This can be a struggle as these are two fairly contrary things.  By the time we graduate high school, we generally have an idea who we are (or at least who we want to be) and have an understanding that the world extends well beyond the walls of high school.  At this point, we decide if we want to take our education further in college or if we want to try our hand in the working world.  Regardless, I feel the developing self takes a brief hiatus and we are able to live within ourselves while contributing to society as a whole.  For a lot of us we see this as the best time of our lives, and there is good reason for this.  I know for me I remember feeling confident and optimistic during my early 20s and college years.

And now, four years removed from college and into my career, I find myself where I feel many of us do in our late 20s/early 30s-going through the second round of huge life changes.  I feel as though I've graduated from the elementary school of being an adult and have now entered Jr. High, realizing that I really am an adult and figuring out what my contribution to the world will be (as a Jr. High student might come to terms with not being a little kid anymore).  This, of course, can be very liberating as we lose dependence on outside factors.  For a teenager it may be breaking free of some of the dependence on parents.  By the age of twelve, when Jr. High starts, most kids have taken on a greater share of personal responsibility, including taking care of their room, clothes, and some of their expenses.  In Jr. High, Pt. 2, adults have completely weened themselves from our parents and have even gotten away from the structure and security of school.  We are responsible for all of our own expenses and, on top of that, we are even expected to make a contribution to the world.

Figuring out just what our place in the world should be can be one of the hardest things any of us go through, and sadly, is something most of us will experience multiple times.  As an adult I have the perspective of 30 years lived to offer some advice for anyone who feels as though they're in a Jr. High of sorts.  I only wish I could have told this to 13-year old me and have him understand it.  It's the greatest lesson I've ever learned, as well as the hardest.  The simple truth is, you can't understand your part in the world until you truly know and love yourself.  A simple concept that takes a lifetime to understand.  But if you take the steps to truly know and love yourself, I promise you your path and purpose will come to you.  And even better than that, you will have a confidence and strength of self that no one can waver.  Only when you truly love yourself can you love another and accept their love in return.

Now if you've ever wondered what it looks like for someone to realize who he/she is, I have found no better example than this one from Freaks and Geeks.  It's Bill after having a dogshit day at school and coming home to a beautiful understanding.  Enjoy!

The Other Side of Manic-Depressive Disorder

"Nothing had happened to him-a happening is a positive reality, and no reality could ever make him helpless; this was some enormous negative-as if everything had been wiped out, leaving a senseless emptiness, faintly indecent because it seemed so ordinary, so unexciting, like murder wearing a homey smile.
     Nothing was gone-except desire; no, more than that-the root, the desire to desire.  He thought that a man who loses his eyes still retains the concept of sight; but he had heard of a ghastlier blindness-if the brain centers controlling vision are destroyed, one loses even the memory of visual perception."
     -Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead, p. 414

This excerpt is right before one of the main characters contemplates suicide, as he finds himself completely unable to feel.  It may be of interest to note, as well, that he thinks these things right after he spends an evening with a woman of utmost beauty.  Which is why these two paragraphs capture so perfectly what it feels like for someone with manic-depressive disorder to be in a depressed state.  It's not that we don't see the light, it's that we find everything uninteresting.  As someone who has been living with manic-depressive order, I feel the desire to express to my readers what a depressive state truly feels like.

For me, depression sets in when I dig as deep into myself as I possibly can.  I do this as a way of questioning my reality.  At some point, I think we all realize that our world is only as accurate as our perception of it.  When I, personally, came to this realization I immediately became mildly depressed.  If my reality is only my perception, then what is real?  It is in this intrinsic, inquisitive state that I find myself being most depressed.  I begin to question if light is really light, if my purpose really is my purpose, and most recently, if love really is love.  In taking this line of questioning, it becomes very difficult to see beauty and love in the world around you.  For a depressed person, the only true source of beauty is within.  The great thing about this exploration for me, however, is that I have found beauty within myself that no one can touch.

Given this information, I have learned something else.  I have learned that, while true beauty and love can always be found within, it is aided by friends, experiences, and most importantly, family.  My family has seen me through my highs and my lows and have made me the person I am today.  I love all of you and thank you for showing me the light that exists in all of us.

We're All to Blame, So Let's All Work Together

In today's world we are faced with more problems and challenges than ever before.  Rising unemployment, an economic system that seems horribly unbalanced, an education system with growing achievement gaps, all coupled with our day-to-day troubles.  It's no secret that these are tough times and people are frustrated.  And with frustration comes high stress and a search for relief.  For many of us this relief comes in finding someone to blame for our problems.  Maybe unemployment's so high because of our current tax code and recent economic decisions, perhaps these economic decisions are a result of out-of-control government spending, maybe our schools are failing because our teachers aren't working hard enough; whatever the problem, we can find someone or something to blame.  But where does all this blame get us, other than giving our complaints a focal point?

The truth is, placing the blame on any one person or entity sells the real problem short.  And even more detrimental, it takes us away from what our focus should be in the first place: fixing the problems and making things better.  Let's assume for a moment that all of the blame being tossed around is justified.  The government and Wall Street really are to blame for our financial woes, the public education system is broken and it's its own fault, my neighbor's dog shit on my lawn so everyone's out to get me, it's all true.  Given this, it seems that there is plenty of blame to go around.  None of us is immune from criticism, and therefore, should not be free from responsibility in fixing a very broken country.

As I look at the world around me and have discussions with people in my life, the sentiment is universal that, as a whole, the country is not functioning and people are frustrated.  We are frustrated with a government that can't work together, a school system that ignores the real problems, an entitled population that has been coddled by societal privileges, and we all feel we have a right to something better.  And herein lies the problem.  We all think we have a right to something better, but none of us is willing to take the responsibility to work toward a solution.  Instead we're too focused on finding someone to blame for our problems.

I'd like to challenge us to move past the blaming phase and start working toward solutions.  Let's accept that we have a lot of challenges and that all of us-even YOU AND I-are to blame.  Now that we've accepted this, let's move on to identifying exactly what is wrong and what we can do, as individuals, to affect larger change.  The easiest way to do this, in my opinion, is to really listen to each other and hear the concerns being raised by individuals.  When listening to concerns, it's important not to get defensive and instead, really hear the concerns being raised.  If the concern is a broken economic system, what specifically is affecting you?  If education is the problem, what aspect of the process isn't working?  When we break down these larger problems into individual concerns, we can then start working on these smaller components to affect larger change.  This is what grassroots activism is all about.

I truly believe if we start working together at an individual level, this change will lead to the right kind of people being put into office and a government that truly has the best interests of its people in mind.  We can't expect the people in charge to understand our concerns if we don't even understand them ourselves.  By working with each other, we can start the wheels of change that are going to fix a severely damaged system.  So let's stop blaming each other and start working together to truly "be the change we want to see in this world."

...Now, if after reading this you still feel the need to blame others, may as well make like these people and take it to the top, right?

I Can Tell that We are Going to be Friends, Whatever That Means

Think back for a minute to your first day of school. If you can't remember your very first day, at least try and think of the first day you remember. Think back to looking into a room, being introduced to your teacher, and seeing the faces of 25+ strangers. In that moment you were faced, possibly for the first time, with the challenge we all face of who will be our friends and who will not. Without even realizing it, you were about to make some decisions, that while maybe seeming insignificant, would impact your social structure and the way you viewed yourself in more profound ways than you would have ever thought. You were choosing the people who would shape you, help you, hurt you, and impact you in ways that would stick with you for the rest of your life. But, of course, none of this entered into your head at that time. How we view the people around us, and the potential for any relationship, is an ever-changing process, and one we certainly didn't take into account when we were five years old getting ready to sit on a rug. In this post, I'd like to discuss the factors that make someone a friend as opposed to an acquaintance or less. I've come to this topic through random discussions with friends and colleagues recently on the ever-changing nature of friends and relationships.

When one thinks back to the first time he/she was faced with the challenge of making friends, the factors that were important are very limited. Initially, we tend to look for people with obvious similar interests. Often times, at the earliest of ages, gender is the first filter . Boys tend to seek out other boys and girls are inclined to act similarly. Once we have narrowed our choices this way, we then look for similar interests, such as sports, comic books, video games, and other things. Once a similar interest has been established a friendship can blossom.

If this explanation of early childhood friendships seems a little simplistic to you, I'd have to agree with you. However, I feel an explanation lies in the needs one has for a friendship in these early years. In my years as a teacher I have been privileged enough to observe the friendships and interactions between my students and see what this entails. In its purest sense, friendship at this age consists of someone to walk around with and be a sounding board for your life. In talking with students and fellow teachers, the most consistent need expressed by students is that of companionship; someone to be with at recess and talk to during lunch.

As we progress through our school years, social pressures begin to grow and the element of acceptance enters into the picture. This is present both in the friendship itself, but also in the need to for the friendship to be accepted by one's peers. Once someone enters secondary education and high school, it's not enough to have friends; friends also have to be cool and make you look good to others. At this point the filters become more and often times our friends become ways for us to promote ourselves. Mutual interests will still bring people together, but social circles become increasingly important and who you know becomes as important as what you do. The needs of a friendship also change. While companionship is still important, friends at this stage really are needed for the growth of one another. Who else can challenge you to be better in all regards, but the person who spends the most time with you? In high school it is our friends who make us look good and who make activities possible. When done correctly, this can be a mutually beneficial relationship, the likes of which most of us are unlikely to see again. Never again will our friendships be such a mutually-sustaining collaboration.

The reason for this is, once we graduate high school and are in an adult world, we are expected to be able to sustain ourselves, at least at some level. No longer is it acceptable to rely solely on others for social interactions and growth. Many of us enter college at this point, and for others it is the workforce that is our new home. Friendships now become a matter of convenience, as our lives are ever more constricted, while the scope of our world becomes ever greater. The people with whom we interact the most are those at our jobs or our classrooms. We see these people for eight hours a day sometimes and we learn that they come from all walks of life. In early adulthood it is the first time for many of us that we've seen people who didn't grow up exactly how we did. Because of this we may be drawn to different people and find ourselves seeking out the new. Old friendships often dwindle during this period as we are exposed to so many new things. At this point most people have begun a process of "finding themselves," or at least discovering what truly interests them and it's not enough just to have grown up with someone. To be a friend you have to bring something more to the table, whether it be some new exciting idea, or a shared passion. It is my opinion that friendships in this phase can be the most exciting, but also the most fleeting.

It is in the period of early adulthood (I'd say from about 19-25) that I feel most of us experience the most growth from our friendships. As discussed, we are exposed to a wealth of people, many of whom have traveled the world to end up in the same place we are. We are drawn to these people and we develop friendships, growing in the process. As we learn from and become close with new people, our lives are constantly changing. People graduate college, change jobs, get married, have kids, and move away. And this is why friendships in this stage are often the most fleeting. Keeping in touch isn't so easy when the circumstances that brought us together are no longer there. Many of us lament this process, feeling as though there are no "true" friends. However, I have had many discussions with people who feel that this is the "true" nature of friendship; that friends are only there for a brief period and serve a specific purpose.

To subscribe to this theory, that true friendship is that which serves a purpose and is temporary, one must accept the ever-changing nature of friendships, which I have tried to lay out in this post. As I arrive on the next phase of friendship, which I feel I am in now, I would have to agree that friendship as a whole is a fluid process, and one that becomes even more inconsistent when we add the element of gender into the process. During this post, I have talked about friendship in the most general terms, without regard to gender or feelings beyond that of simply a friend. To define "friend" in this way leaves out several levels of friendship, most of which would require their own explanation. For the purposes of this blog, I'd like to limit discussion to simply platonic and romantic.

Gender and feelings play into friendships from the earliest times, but I feel they only start to conflict with one another in adulthood. I say this because the majority of my close friends during adulthood have been of the opposite sex. These friendships have started in all manners and fashions, whether they be work acquaintances, school friends, or mutual friends. Sometimes there was an initial attraction, other times none at all, and sometimes an attraction developed. Universally, however, attraction played into the picture and the friendship stopped being so easy. More often than not, when people become attracted to each other in a friendship, this is explored, at least partially, and the friendship is affected. While the immediate effects of such things vary depending on the specific situation, I'd like to point to the consistent long-term effects of friends becoming more. Unless the friendship leads to a long-term relationship, what usually happens is the eventual dissolution of the friendship. This process can be a very quick and obvious one, but often times can take years and be a much more subtle process. However, the deciding factor in the long run is always the same; the introduction of a serious relationship.

Often times after a friendship develops into something more, only to go back to being platonic, people are able to stay friends. For a time. This only lasts until one or both parties enter into a committed relationship. I have seen this pattern consistently enough to come up with a theory, which I think helps explain this phenomenon. Once people get to a romantic place together, it is impossible to take away all of those feelings. Friendships can last for years after a break up, and people can even date other people. But old feelings will always be there, if only in memory. Then, when someone comes along that makes us want to settle down, we are faced with a dilemma; is it possible to give ourselves completely to somebody while maintaining friendships that still harbor feelings? Inevitably, the answer is no. It is impossible to enter into a serious relationship while still having relationships with a romantic past. No matter how hard we try, the nature of the friendship is changed forever.

So am I suggesting that we never give romance a try in our friendships? Not at all. But just as with all the types of friendships I've discussed in this post, we need to be aware of their ever-changing nature and accept the fact that altering the nature of the relationship willingly will end up changing the friendship forever. With this in mind, I have taken the approach of valuing all friendships, regardless of length or circumstance. I have learned more from the people in my life than from any other experience and I wouldn't trade that for all the friends in the world.

Happy Late Birthday Kia Bird

Here's to the next 30.

It Happened Today, Hooray!

One year ago today my transformation from fine to not was officially complete. This time last year I was at University Hospital, strapped to a bed, and trying to convince myself that the cause for my insanity was some divine purpose from above; some great lesson I was learning that would change my life forever, but would require this horrible experience. The experience I'm relating to you is of being trapped in a part of your mind you didn't even know existed. To be so trapped in this place that you perceive everything as a validation of its purpose. A positive affirmation that what you are doing is for a great purpose, even though it goes against everything you know yourself to be.

I experienced just this situation last year when I had my first, and hopefully only, manic episode. Until this time I had no idea that I was even bipolar. I had no history of depression or mania, nor does my immediate family. We would find out (quite obviously in hindsight) that my mania was triggered by several factors in my life. Work was insanely stressful with the 60+ students I had between three classes in two schools, in addition to the four students I was tutoring. Work stress led to lack of sleep, which led to lack of food, which led to mania. The events leading to me going to the ER at University Hospital are too personal to post, but as many of you know my stay there led to a week long stay in a behavioral health unit in Utah County. My time there was incredible and I learned some of the most amazing lessons I will ever learn. I also met some of the most amazing people I will ever have the honor of crossing paths with.

The first of these truly wonderful people I want to mention is a nurse by the name of Stephen. My first encounter with Stephen was my first morning in the hospital. After heavy sedation, I was awakened to the sound of the director of the center, Dr. Harlan, busting into my room and screaming, "Hi, I'm Dr. Harlan, I bet they didn't tell you about me!" I had been so heavily sedated that I didn't know I was in Utah County, let alone that there was a Dr. Harlan and he was the director of the place. So I have a meeting with Dr. Harlan to go over things, etc, and afterward a nurse by the name of Stephen comes in. He sits down and asks some questions, but in an amazingly understanding tone. I responded in one of the questions with a curse word, as I sometimes do, but instantly apologized and asked how he felt about swearing. He said it's not really his thing, and I proceeded to answer his questions. I mention this part because I never swore the remainder of the time I was in the hospital. This guy had my respect that fast because of the way he treated me. He was the one nurse to treat me with that kind of respect in that entire place, and he will never know how much it meant to be treated like a human being again.

The other person I'd like to mention is actually people. They are all of my fellow patients. In my encounters with them over that week I was honored to hear and share some of the most amazing experiences and stories that I ever have, and I know I will never experience anything like that again. I had some incredibly meaningful conversations with people, and every one of them left me feeling an insane amount of love and respect for my new friends. They taught me that everyone in life is where they are for a reason. None of us has the right to see someone in a situation and make any judgments or assumptions. I never would have imagined being where I was this time last year, but when I got there and met these people, I saw that we all get to places and any number of ways. Our experiences are what make us who we are and these people were amazing.

In closing I'd like to say that my initial feelings about this experiences ended up not being that far off. Although I no longer feel this experience was a divine one, I do feel it is the greatest learning experience of my entire life. I learned more about myself in the last year than in the last 28 combined. And now, one year later, as I look at where I've come, I know I'm just beginning this journey of recovering from what happened and rediscovering myself as a person. It's been a crazy ride so far, and I can't wait to see where it takes me next.

Child Abuse Awareness

It is estimated that over 900,000 children are abused annually in the U.S. (U.S. Dept. of Heath & Human Services, 2008). The abuse comes in many forms, whether it be physical, emotional, or neglect. These abuses can have both immediate and long-term effects for those being abused. Immediate effects of abuse include physical injury, kids acting out in school through fighting, acting inappropriately with other students, being abrasive with adults, and having an overall negative attitude about school. These immediate effects, in turn, lead to long-term effects that include teen smoking, drug and alcohol use, violence, and increased high school drop out rates (Kelley, Thornberry, & Smith, 1997). In addition to these overt effects, more psychological outcomes of abuse include depression, dissociative disorders, and even suicide attempts (Silverman, Reinherz, & Giaconia, 1996). Without intervention, these things can lead to a chain of violent and destructive behavior that is passed through generations that is very difficult to stop. As the old saying goes, "violence breeds violence."

In order to effectively stop the problem of child abuse in our country, we must first be able to identify the signs that a child is being abused. Physical abuse can evidence itself through minor injuries such as cuts and bruises, as well as more serious injuries, such as broken bones and hemorrhages. In addition to these physical signs, abuse can also show itself in a child's behavior, often times resulting in withdrawn, socially inappropriate, and in many cases, violent behavior. Children who are abused develop a view of adults as people to be feared or resented (more so than normal child resentment of adults). This leads to negative behaviors toward adults that can be signs that a child is being abused. The most common of these behaviors is withdrawal. Children will shut down, or go into their own world when approached by adults and refuse to communicate. Any physical contact is resisted with force and, often times, the child will become violent or abrasive with adults.

So how do we help fight the problem of child abuse in our country? Research shows that children who have been abused have a better chance of success in life when they develop "resilience," or the ability to cope or thrive following negative experiences. The biggest factors related to this resilience are self-esteem, intelligence, humor, creativity, and acceptance. These kids need to feel valued and that they are somebody worthy of a good life. And this is where we adults can come in. As adults, we have the opportunity to foster in these kids the kind of self-esteem, confidence, and knowledge that can help them cope with abuse at home. We can give them a place and support when they have nothing else. The easiest way to help in this way is to VOLUNTEER. Boys and Girls Clubs across the country have been serving as places for kids to go, have fun, and be accepted for many years. Volunteer at your local Boys and Girls Club to coach a team, teach a skill, or just help kids with their homework. If this isn't up your alley, volunteer at your child's school. School's are always looking for volunteers to help with reading, social skills, art, and basically anything you could bring to the table. Call your child's teacher or principal and ask how you can help. Many schools also offer after-school programs, which are great opportunities to make a difference in these kids' lives. The more positive experiences with adults these kids have, the stronger their resilience will become to the abuse they may be facing at home.

Finally, if you suspect that a child has been abused, report it. Don't even think twice about it. All it takes is one phone call to the Child Abuse Hotline (800) 678-9399 and they'll take it from there. This phone number is linked to the Utah Division of Child and Family Services as well as many other states' departments. In addition to the hotline, other resources include the following websites:

Child Abuse and Neglect http://www.childwelfare.gov/can/

Defining Child Abuse and Neglect http://www.childwelfare.gov/can/defining/

Preventing Child Abuse and Neglect http://www.childwelfare.gov/preventing/

Reporting Child Abuse and Neglect http://www.childwelfare.gov/responding/reporting.cfm

In closing, let me share a song that always comes to mind when I hear of a child being abused. The reason for this is a personal one for me. In my first year of teaching I suspected a child of being abused. She was a beautiful 10 year old girl with the sweetest spirit ever, but she was withdrawn and scared of adults. I discussed her situation with the school social worker and we had discovered that she was abused. Over the next year and a half we were able to work with her to put her in a nice foster home with a loving family, who I am still in contact with, and she is doing very well in her new situation. When she had left my class initially (to change grades, not schools), I had given the students a CD at the end of the year with songs that meant something to me. When I saw her the next year after summer she told me that she listened to the CD every night, and this was her favorite song.

This one's for you beautiful.

Life's one constant is time...or is it?

On this blog, I discuss openly my experiences as someone living with manic-depressive disorder. Initially, I related my experiences when I first had a manic episode last January, and later brought in some videos explaining some of what one experiences when in a manic state (Bipolar or Spiritual?). One thing discussed in those videos is timelessness, or the perception someone in a manic state might have that they are altering time. What is meant by this is that time seems to "slow down" and they can get a lot more done in a shorter amount of time. Athletes talk about this phenomenon as well, whether it be a quarterback referring to the slowing of a game and being able to read the defense, or a baseball player being able to slow down a 95 MPH fast ball and crush it out of the park.

Below is an article I found on the topic titled, "Thinking Faster by Altering Your Perception of Time." The article comes from the blog "Sentient Developments," which does an excellent job of linking scientific developments to positive lifestyle outcomes. In the article, author George Dvorsky looks at the concept of one's mind speeding up during times of stress or pressure, which alters that person's perception of time. While this is most commonly experienced during times of emergency (car accident, being held at gun point, etc) it is also common in sports, according to Dvorsky.

While the article doesn't mention this phenomenon in the context of bipolar mania, I think it is safe to make the connection to the rapid cycling of a manic person's mind. When one's mind is going at that rate, it only stands to reason that they would have an altered perception of time, and this is something to which I can personally attest. I remember blinking and almost thinking the clock had gone backwards. Regardless of my experiences, it is a very interesting read, and one that sheds a little light on altered perceptions of time. Enjoy!

April 3, 2006

Thinking faster by altering your perception of time

People who undergo extreme short-term psychological stress often claim that time slowed down for them during the experience. Traumatic events like car accidents or lengthy falls often appear in slow motion to the person experiencing it.

Is this just a recall error? Or are people literally experiencing these events at an altered subjective time rate? If so, how could such a psychological phenomenon be accounted for? Obviously, time is not really slowing down -- but something is happening to the psychological interpretation of time.

One possible answer is to compare the human brain's "clockspeed" to that of a computer's. Some scientists now suspect that slowed time elapsement is an evolved defence mechanism similar to our fight-or-flight response. When time appears to have slowed down, we have more subjective time in which to deal with a crisis situation. Put another way, extreme stress helps us to think faster.

One scientist looking into this phenomenon is David Eagleman from the University of Texas at Houston. At his 'Laboratory for Perception and Action' Eagleman is attempting to understand the neural mechanisms of time perception. His team combines psychophysical, behavioural, and computational approaches to address the relationship between the timing of perception and the timing of neural signals.

At the experimental level, Eagleman is engaged in exploring temporal encoding, time warping, manipulations of the perception of causality, and time perception in high-adrenaline situations. Ultimately, he hopes to use this data to explore how neural signals processed by different brain regions come together for a temporally unified picture of the world.

In one of his experiments, Eagleman had volunteers perform a backwards bungee jump freefall while he transmitted a rapid succession of numbers to an LED on their wrists. He found that during the fall they were successfully able to read the numbers, which under normal conditions would have appeared too fast. [I have to say, that is one of the most interesting and original experiments I've heard of in quite time some]

Thinking about Eagleman's research at a practical level, it is thought that a better understanding of these mechanisms will result in interventions that will help people process information at higher rates. This kind of 'think faster' augmentation would slow time down in a subjective sense, which would enable an individual to operate at a higher level of cognitive efficiency.

This theme has been explored in a number of science fiction stories. In Frank Herbert's Chapterhouse: Dune, the ghola Miles Teg was able to engage in extremely fast physical combat due to his ability to rapidly process information. Teg was able to subjectively experience time in extreme slow motion. Similarly, Neo in The Matrix was able to dodge bullets by altering his perception of time elapsement. And in Greg Egan's Diaspora, uploaded posthumans had to drastically slow down their internal clockspeeds when conversing with biological humans; clockspeeds in the real world varied dramatically from the clockspeed utilized in supercomputer 'polises.' Also in Diaspora, a group of posthumans altered their perception of time to such a slow rate that they could perceive the rising and fallings of geological structures such as mountains.

Here in the real world, such neural enhancements are rare, but not entirely impossible. It is thought, for example, that hockey ultrastar Wayne Gretzky was able to perceive the flow of the game at a slower pace than his competitors, giving him more subjective time to plan his attack. This may in fact be the case. At the height of his career, Gretzky was not just a 'little better' than other players, he was dominating to a degree never before seen in sport, breaking records by extreme margins. And this from a player who was physically unremarkable--in fact, below average.

Just what kinds of interventions could enable humans to 'warp time' is a topic of some speculation. A recent Discover article titled "The Mind in Overdrive" offers some possible solutions. Psychotropic substances are one possible answer, as drugs like cocaine and amphetamines have been known to alter subjective time for users. Also, meditating Buddhist monks claim to be able to perceive time differently; through their mental discipline, they may be recreating the same effect that Eagleman is documenting.

I'm certainly hoping that something like this will eventually become accessible. It will be interesting to see how much more productive and "aware" one might be with the benefit of these sorts of interventions. It may even create an alternative sense of subjective reality.

And it would surely come in handy the next time you need to dodge bullets.

I Really Should Let the Professionals Do the Talking

If you actually read this blog regularly, you may remember my blog on 22 Aug 2010 titled "Hey! Wha' Happened?" While I did my best to make my point, author and poet Andrei Codrescu puts things much more eloquently in his commentary "Conquering A Fear of Robots."

Go ahead and give it a listen!

Atheist but Spiritual

Is it possible for someone to believe in spirituality but not believe in God? Can someone be open to the possibility that there is more to this world than what we can see yet not come to the conclusion that there is an all-powerful being in charge of it all? I would like to offer a worldview that includes spirituality but doesn't include an omnipotent being. Before I get into this, I should add a disclaimer that these views are from one man (me), so I'm very aware that many of you won't agree with me.

Let me get started by discussing what I believe to be the two "selves" that each of us are born with. First, there is our worldly self. This person is influenced by the forces that surround us and what we are told is right and wrong. Anyone with even a casual knowledge of behavioral studies is familiar with the "nature vs. nurture" debate. Well, this self would fall under the "nurture" category in that it is shaped more by its environment than any internal factors. The second self is our more natural self and the one that follows instincts and does as it feels. This, naturally, would fall into the category of "nature." When looking at these two selves, they paint a picture of the average person, but also set up a struggle for one's true self. And interestingly enough, both sides of a person act both together, and against each other, to shape who we perceive ourselves to be.

When people ask themselves the question of "who am I?" as is natural to do, there are forces both externally and from within that inform this question. First, the external forces come in to shape our view of ourselves. More often than not, this includes parents taking us to church and telling us about an all-powerful God who created us, created a world for us, and wants us to serve him to return to him. This is nourished through church, bible (or other religious text) study, constant references to God and religion in the media, and of course, prayer. From a very early age kids are taught to pray to a god for guidance and obey his every word in hopes that we will please him and return to him some day

In addition to this, there are our internal selves that are constantly asking the question of "who is the real me?" This version of ourselves is constantly at odds with the side that's constantly being told what to think. Our internal selves dare to ask the questions that directly go against what they're taught. "What if there isn't a God. Then what? What comes after this life if there is no afterlife? Is this it?

For this blog, I would like to focus on these two selves as separate entities, one being mortal and ending in this world, and the other being immortal and everlasting. It should be pretty obvious by now that I am referring to our worldly selves as mortal and our internal selves as never ending. I'd like to note here that I am not the first person to think of ourselves in these terms. Most religions will refer to this internal self as the "soul" or "spirit" and I, too, am comfortable using these terms. A person's spirit is his/her natural self that exists before we get to earth and stays living after their physical death. It is the part of us that feels things on a deep and emotional level and that allows us to be our most creative, loving, and honest. C.S. Lewis described this side of humans, saying, "There are no ordinary people. Remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship. No one ever talks to a mere mortal...it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit-immortal horrors or everlasting splendors...your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses."

In viewing people as these everlasting beautiful beings, it seems reasonable to allow that these beings offer guidance after they have left the physical world. And this is where I believe guidance from above truly comes from. It is my belief that we, as people, are guided not by an all-powerful god, but rather by host of spirits who have passed through this world and now offer guidance where we choose to find it. Personally, I find this in the beauty and art that is everywhere in this world. I find it in the truly inspired work of great artists and musicians, in everyone who's ever created something new or performed past their normal expectations. This, to me, is the true guiding force in this universe and I love the view that we are all amazing, immortal beings that we "would be strongly tempted to worship." How much better is this worldview than saying we can't accept someone who doesn't believe the way we do.

In closing, I would just like to say that acceptance is the key in making this world one for everybody. I don't expect everyone to agree with this blog just like I don't agree with organized religion. However, I do believe that we're all amazing beings capable of amazing things and to close out any faction of our people simply because of the way they feel is a tragic disservice to the amazing people in this world.

Hey! Wha' Happened?

The phone rings. You wait to pick it up hoping someone else will, because the chances are it's not even for you. You wait...silence. Yes! But wait. You want to talk to your friend. You heard a really funny story and want to share it with them. Only problem is the person calling is your sister's boyfriend and she'll have the phone tied up for hours. What to do? Damn it, you'll have to walk down the street to your friend's house, hope he's home, and do a pop-in, which will inevitably lead to the two of you hanging out for awhile.

This is a scene you would never experience in the age of cell phones and the internet. A phone actually ringing (and an actual phone, too, with an actual ring), the recipient of the call answering even though they don't know who's calling or who the intended recipient is, and a young person being forced to actually...wait for it...LEAVE the house to see a friend. And yet, while this was the norm in my house as well as countless others in the late 80s/early 90s, the age of cell phones and the internet has made social contact all but a thing of the past.

Now, I'm not saying that we have completely abandoned interactions with each other in favor of the isolation of a computer and a handheld device. Obviously people are still reproducing, which as far as I know, still requires actual contact with a human being. But technology has made several of the reasons for interacting with one another obsolete. For example, in addition to reducing the necessity to visit our friends to talk, cell phones through text messaging, have even made talking on the phone a relative relic. If you have something quick to say to someone that doesn't require an actual conversation, you just send them a text and hope for a reply.

The internet has also played a large part in this change. In the past, in order to stay current on all the latest news, happenings of friends, shopping trends, etc, you would need to either talk to a friend or watch the news. In addition to this, if you were in school or working and had a project that required research, you would either have to go to the library to do research or collaborate with others who have access to the files that you need. Now all one has to do is go on the internet, type something into a search engine, and they have access to more information than was imaginable, even as recently as 20 years ago.

It is important to understand that technology, while making people generally more isolated as a whole, has also expanded our socializing in many ways. Through social networking sites and email it is getting easier and easier to keep in touch with people, regardless of their location in the world. Photo and video sharing are effortless, which helps people connect in other ways. Through dating sites people are able to meet interesting people and even filter those who they meet based on selected criteria. All of these things act as a double-edged sword, both expanding and contracting our world in its scope and its effectiveness.

While I do see these tools as being positive, I still lament the days of walking to a buddy's house, running around outside all day and hearing, "Danny, come home for dinner!" when it was that time. I miss hearing the phone ring and hoping it was the girl I liked, hearing news through word of mouth rather than through CNN Breaking News alerts. And call me old fashioned if you must, but I prefer meeting someone by chance out in the world than meeting online based on pre-screened criteria. Maybe with a little effort we can have all of these things while still enjoying the conveniences of modern technology.

To close, please enjoy this video depicting how we used to receive news.

Bipolar or Spiritual?

A Beautiful Deception

"There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somehow, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality."

-Kay Redfield-Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

Running is my drug

And now I live in a world that I call my own
It's always nice when no one's home
It's another world but it's something more than ordinary
Such a lovely day and it's nothing more than ordinary livin'

Let's get Lit!

You have made me smile again. In fact, I might be sore from it; it's been awhile.

Seven weeks to be exact. It's been seven weeks since I first went off the deep end and had to be hauled away in an ambulance to the ER. And now today, seven weeks to the day after I thought everything and everyone was talking directly to and about me, I made my return to the classroom, both humbled and overwhelmed by the amount of support and love that exists in my life.

It's interesting. When I had my first manic episode, I was convinced that I had some great purpose on this planet and everyone was trying to tell me what they needed. Not once did I resent this and, instead, felt inferior in my efforts to assist. When I was first taken to the hospital and, subsequently, to the inpatient unit in Utah County, I felt as though every one of my rights were being violated by people who couldn't possibly have known my mind as I know it myself. They couldn't have my best interest at heart because no one but me knew what my best interest was. And finally, when I was put on paid administrative leave because I still couldn't control that machine that is my mind, I felt as though my livelihood were taken away from me and it was my job to figure out where it went.

And it was in this journey that I learned more about my world than I ever could have imagined. The greatest lesson I learned is that it is you-my friends, my family, my students, my doctors-you who know me best. You who had the perspective to look at me, who was resisting all efforts to help, and let me know that I was anything but myself, and got me the help I needed. It's funny, while I was away from work I felt as though my life had no worth. My time was spent cleaning, sleeping, and talking with those who would listen. And it was through these interactions that I found the true value in my life; you. All of you.

Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for bringing me to where I am today. Today I was able, for the first time in almost a month, to look at my 60 students and let them know that they had their teacher back. And after a day of teaching, I was able to go for a run through the streets that I have grown to love and know that I am the same person who's run these streets for years. Today I was Mr. Hilder, I was Danny, I was D-Train (thanks Rob Dawg), I was son (thanks Dad), and I was Dad (thanks Bella). I was able to be all the people I've known I can be, but doubted I could be again, and I owe it all to you. Thank you for showing me that the battle with myself is not one to be won, but to be embraced through the help of others.

Last Day. What a Beautiful Ride

First night in the hospital was Wednesday, 5 January. Got released back to work on Wednesday, 20 January. Got put on leave Tuesday, 2 February, and now on Wednesday, 24 February, I find myself on the last day of my unplanned break. I've worked 13 days out of the last 35 and that will do a lot to a person. For me, it has caused me to look at my life outside of work and place value on things where I normally wouldn't have placed any. Mainly on the importance on collaboration and utilizing the people in your life. This has been such a difficult time, but I have made it through on account of all of the amazing people in my life. Family, friends, strangers on the street (and at the Energy Solutions Arena), doctors, fellow teachers, I have been blown away by the amount of support I've had. As someone who has never really placed much value on the necessity of friends, this has been a truly humbling experience.

The video I'd like to share speaks just to this. It's from Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story and it's called "Beautiful Ride." Sure, the movie's pure satire, but this song pretty much hits it on the head:

Can I Graduate? A Personal Confession

My life is shaped by music in more ways than is probably healthy, so I'm going to let the music frame my current state as a person. The backdrop is Vivaldi's Four Seasons combined with Howard Shore's Twilight and Shadow, from The Lord of the Rings. This puts me in a subdued yet hopeful state. In comes Third Eye Blind with Can I Graduate? "Can I look in faces that I meet? Can I get my punk ass off the street that I've been living on for so long? Can I graduate? To the bastard talking down to me, your whipping boy calamity, cross your fingers I'm going to knock it all down. Can I graduate?" The answer comes from the same band and I realize that the Third Eye really is Blind. And this is because it belongs to another. And I wonder to myself, who do I need to finally break free of this spell and see what I can't see alone?

Enter Stars with Reunion and I'm taken to a place I know too well. The beautiful friend who was once more, but broke your heart. Do I try for the familiar light or am I looking too far? One thing's clear, I can't do this alone. Is it love I'm after? To help frame this question, I turn to my boy, Dane Cook, and his analysis of love. "When you're not in love, everybody you know falls in love...it's like there's a party going on and everyone was invited except for you, and you just happen to be walking by this house in the rain. But then once you're in love, it's like being in the party going, 'where's my jacket? I wanna get out of here, where's my jacket? I've been at this party for six years and I want to see other parties!'" Yeah, I did that party for 8 years and I don't think I need that again. But I'm not going to lie, I'm craving more in my life. To use Third Eye Blind again, "I've never been so alone. And I've never been so alive."

This is the view on a motorcycle drive-by and I'll leave you with this.

How do we do this?

Tonight I had the extreme pleasure of attending a political forum hosted by Salt Lake Acting Company. The panel consisted of former Salt Lake City Mayor Rocky Anderson, famous gas and oil plot bidder Tim DeChristopher, Dr. Rebecca Hall, economic justice coordinator for the Utah Domestic Violence Council, and Marshall Thompson, former army journalist in Iraq (2006) and recipient of the Gandhi Peace Award from the Gandhi Alliance for Peace. The topic of the forum was "At what point does civil disobedience dip into terrorism? At what point does rule of law turn into tyranny?"

In addressing these topics, the panel touched on some things that I would like to bring into the discussion on this blog. Namely, what can we do, as citizens, to make the change that most of us agree needs to happen? Some of the suggestions were to organize and bring to the forefront the issues that are facing our current political structure, such as climate change, and corporate influence in political campaigning. References were made to activists of the past, such as Martin Luther King, Jr, Gandhi, and even Thoreau. Their methods of civil disobedience were discussed as well as those of current activists, including Marshall Thompson who led a peaceful march across Utah, and Tim DeChristopher, who bid on oil plots without any intention of actually purchasing them. Other attention was given to right wing activists, such as Utah Activist Gail Ruzicka. Interestingly enough, such methods were referenced as effective, which begs the question of those of us on the other side, why aren't we resolved to using such tactics?

And this is where I, personally, found a stumbling block. Why have those of us who believe so strongly in human rights, including the right of everyone to marry, the right of all of us to have climate change initiatives, and the right of all of us to health care; why do we so often feel that our voices aren't heard? And, more importantly, how are we going to get our voices heard?

In attempting to answer this question, the stumbling point seems all too often to fall on money, or lack thereof on our side. I hate to use such polarizing verbiage as "our side" but when one really looks at the political climate in our country, it becomes almost impossible to escape this "Us versus Them" mentality. In looking at such initiatives as a public health care option, the right for all people, regardless of sexual orientation, to marry, and the rights of corporations to drill for oil, they all seem to be thwarted by the same "them"; big business and corporations. And where do these companies tend to have their interests? In the right wing of politics.

This, my friends, is where I see our biggest challenge, as well as our biggest opportunity. The challenge, of course, is in our lack of monetary resources. No one is going to claim that those of us campaigning for human rights have the funding of those against it. And with the Supreme Courts recent ruling in the Citizens United case, big business has more power than ever. But what they don't have is the grass roots activism that has inspired change in our country since its formation over 200 years ago.

A point was made during the forum that real grass roots activism hasn't been seen in our country since the late 60s/early 70s. I can't find an argument against this, but I can find hope in the countless citizens I see trying to make a difference in the social climate in which we find ourselves. The question remains, how are we going to unify the concerned citizens of this country and make a push for real social change? The panel talked about the challenge of civil disobedience with respect to the law. I write this blog not to answer that question, but rather to offer an opinion on the best way to go about grass roots activism. And my answer...EDUCATION.

I can honestly think of no better way to combat the forces of big business and its political pull than to educate ourselves on the issues facing our country. I have no doubt that those of us in the apparent minority are more educated and knowledgeable in the issues facing this country, and the world, than those who are currently in control. Where they have an advantage in money, they lack greatly in knowledge. This is in no greater prominence than in the debate over climate change. Despite irrefutable evidence of climate change, there is still a disturbingly high number of Americans, and politicians in particular, who believe there is no such thing as climate change. And this at the expense of, not only our generation, but future generations.

Personally, I have made the determination to educate myself on the issues and position myself to make the most difference I can. This is of particular difficulty as I am a poor school teacher, and I would imagine that others in similar positions find this challenging. But, like I've said, we can combat the enemy of money in education. I write this blog, not as a soap box for my own beliefs, but rather as an open discussion for what we need to see in change in our country. Right wing, left wing, neither, I believe we all agree that change is needed in our country and our world. And there is no greater force than the citizens of this great country. The power only lies in the politicians that WE elect. We can't forget this when determining who has the real power. Again, the politicians are only as strong as the people who elect them. And it is my belief and opinion, albeit humble, that we have the power to enact real change and create a better today for us, and a better tomorrow for our children.

Thanks for listening.

My my my, it's a beautiful world

A lot of you know, and the rest of you are about to, that I have been going through a very rough time. I've recently been diagnosed bipolar with hints of manic depressive disorder. This has caused me to be on leave from teaching for an entire month. During this time I have had nothing to do but look at myself, my life, the people in my life, and try to get things back where they should be. This has been the hardest journey I've ever been on and it has also been the most beautiful pain I've ever felt. I've been able to experience things that I've done hundreds of times and look at them with new eyes.

In this process I have come to no other conclusion than I am a blessed person to have the life I do. I am surrounded by so much beauty and I have the perspective of someone who has felt the darker side of what this world has to offer as well. This contrast has provided me with the lenses to see just how lucky I am to live the life I do.

I would like to share this video by Colin Hay. You may remember him from the Australian band "Men at Work" and their one-hit wonder "Land Down Under." Well, he ended up launching a solo career and he has written some beautiful music. This one is called "Beautiful World" and it sums up how I've been feeling lately. Enjoy.